Episode 4
Why You Lose It in Love: The Truth About Self-Regulation and Connection
Why You Lose It in Love: The Truth About Self-Regulation and Connection
Learn how attachment, nervous system wiring, and co-regulation shape your relationship dynamic.
Why do we lose it when we care the most? In this episode, Dr. Rachel Orleck breaks down the real reason self-regulation feels impossible in close relationships. You’ll learn how your attachment style wires your nervous system for protection, why codependence keeps couples stuck, and how co-regulation helps you build the connection you actually want. Packed with real-life examples and practical tools, this episode will help you stop reacting—and start relating.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why staying calm in conflict is harder than it looks
- How early experiences shape emotional regulation
- The difference between codependence and co-regulation
- How dysregulation fuels your relationship cycle
- Three tools for regulating in the moment
- Two ways to repair if things went off the rails
- One simple daily habit to build your regulation muscle
Mentioned in the episode:
🎁 Free guide: “5 Ways to Start a Hard Conversation” → www.drrachelorleck.com
Transcript
Why You Lose It in Love: The Truth About Self-Regulation and Connection
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[: ht, and maybe you go silent. [:Why can't I just stay calm? Why does this happen when it matters most? If you've ever asked yourself that this episode is for you, we're talking about self-regulation, what it is, why it's hard, how it connects to your attachment style, and why it makes or breaks your ability to have a connected relationship.
And now this isn't about being perfectly chill or emotionally detached. This is about being present. Being human and learning how to stay with yourself so you can stay with your partner. Let's get into it.
wouldn't have helped during [:When you were a kid, if someone could sit with your emotions, really be with you without needing to shut you up or shut you down, then your nervous system learns something powerful. I can feel big things and still be safe, but if you grew up in chaos or in a home where emotions were too much, or no one really noticed how you felt, then your nervous system adapted.
c relationship. Your nervous [:Mid argument, you feel abandoned. When they shut you down, you feel invisible and your body reacts before your brain can process what's happening. That's not weakness, that's wiring, and it shows up in your cycle.
ared, and her body shut down [:And as she would pull back and disappear, he would receive the message that his hurt wasn't important to her and that would just make him get more explosive and more angry. The problem wasn't that they didn't care about each other. The problem was that they can't regulate in the moment to calmly and gently share their hurts or their fears with one another so that they can reset or really be heard on a deep level by their partner.
regulation. Codependence is. [:We try to manage somebody else's reactions so that we can, because we believe that we can get through that cycle, if we can control those dynamics,
one pulling away more panic, [:It keeps you stuck in the cycle because nobody feels emotionally safe enough to show up as themselves. Now, let's flip the script. Co-regulation is the antidote to codependence. It's not about fixing each other, it's about being able to sit in the discomfort together without trying to make it go away too fast.
ople with your own emotional [:That's the difference.
This is how we start to fall into that trap of I have to sacrifice what I want, what I need in order for the relationship to be okay. My partner doesn't care about my hurts, my wants, my needs, my feelings don't matter. I'm not allowed to have my feelings. When we get stuck in that pattern, we start to lose each other, and we get caught in this cycle of feeling more and more distant, more and more shut down, and more and more dysregulated as the cycle escalates.
erything that's important to [:The louder I get, the louder I get, the more you believe that I don't care about you, that your hurts don't matter to me, and then I shut down and pull away even more.
When you're both dysregulated, communication is chaos. You're not hearing each other, you're hearing threat. You're hearing your own fear. You're responding to your story about what's happening, not the actual moment. But when you can regulate, when one or both of you can ground pause, breathe. That's when the magic happens.
You repair [:The foundation of all that self-regulation and co-regulation. So let's get practical. Here are three things that you can try When you feel dysregulated,
like running. I'm holding my [:Say, I need a minute and step away. It's not to punish. It's not to withdraw, it's to reset. So if you're able to tell your partner, Hey, I'm just feeling really dysregulated right now. I need to step away for a second so that I can come back and really be present. That helps even more. If the best you can manage in that moment is just to pause and say, I need a minute.
s, splash some cold water on [:The third thing you can do is try to anchor in the present. So touch something around you. Feel the floor underneath your feet. Take five, slow deep breaths. What this does is signal to your body and your nervous system that you're not in danger. Tell yourself we're not in danger here. We're actually just in a conversation.
We're in a conversation with somebody that I love, and you can validate yourself. Yes, I'm feeling vulnerable, but I'm not in danger.
cycles we lose it. You shut [:I went into that shutdown mode. I really wanna try again or own, I snapped and that wasn't fair to you. Let me slow it down and try again. You know, it's not about being perfect. It's about taking these steps that are necessary into repairing what happened.
make their words mean about [:What brought up that tone in my voice? What made my body start to feel like it was shutting down? What meaning was I making about that situation?
This helps you separate the present moment from the past pain that might have been fueling your reaction.
and it's really important to be practicing some of these skills on your own when you're not in this fight or flight situation, when the emotions aren't running high. To be able to practice this self-regulation strategy by yourself over time means that you'll have so much more access to it in the moment.
on't wait until the conflict [:Am I tense? Am I relaxed? Am I anxious? Then do one thing that helps you settle. Maybe that's putting your feet on the floor and taking three deep breaths. Maybe that's journaling, a thought that's been bothering you, moving your body even just for 30 seconds wiggling or jumping jacks or walking around the block.
ion of the cup in your hand, [:You are rewiring your system to recognize I can feel discomfort and still be safe. One thing that we've just never done well as a culture is normalize the experience of discomfort, because whenever we feel discomfort, we believe that we're in danger. All the alarm bells go off. All, all of the dangerous signals happen, and we get into our mode of staying safe.
ight flight. Freeze or fawn. [: 's happening in you and show [:One where connection feels safe, where vulnerability is met with care, one, where you and your partner can actually grow together instead of just surviving the same fight on repeat. So give yourself some grace. Okay. Practice one thing today and know this is how it starts.
If this episode hit home, share it with your partner. Talk about it. Reflect on what cycle you get stuck in and what it would feel like to stay in it together, not against each other. Thanks for listening to Coupled With I'll see you next time.
With. Thank you so much for [:And if you wanna take what we talked about today, even deeper, grab my free guide on how to start hard conversations in a way that actually brings you closer. You can find it at my website, www.drrachelorleck.com. And don't worry, I'll leave it in my show note. Thanks again for listening, and I'll see you next time.
