Stronger Together: How Couples Can Navigate Infertility as a Team

Stronger Together: How Couples Can Navigate Infertility as a Team

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Rachel Orleck, a couples therapist and coach, and together, we're going to make relationships make sense. Let's dive in.

ncertainty, it can feel like [: 00:01:00

And this is really a topic that is near and dear to me because before conceiving my son, I went through two years of intense infertility treatments. I know firsthand how overwhelming and exhausting this journey can be. Not just physically, but emotionally and relationally in ways that are hard to even put into words. That's why I'm so excited today for our conversation with Alicia Ferris, a reproductive and perinatal therapist.

We'll dive into the emotional impact of infertility, how to stay connected through the stress, and small but powerful ways to support each other throughout this journey. If you or someone you love is facing infertility, then this conversation is for you.

Let's get into it.

ertility and as you're going [: 00:02:00

Alicia Ferris: Good question. I think in terms of why there's often a disconnect there, it tends to be around the fact that these are experiences that we're going through together, meaning we're both going through it. But because the experience of each partner is so different in that process, it almost feels like we're on parallel tracks instead of on the same track together.

e person over the other. And [: 00:03:00

Sometimes the. Desire to get pregnant and conceive is also a little bit different. Um, you know, they're both on the same page with wanting to conceive, but once they start to run into barriers to that, maybe they, they differ a little in how badly they want that and how much, you know, they are ready to go through in order to get that outcome.

So there's a whole lot of things like that that can create some separate experiences. And then of course, you know, the impact of going through infertility itself and how it impacts finances and impacts, you know, your sex life and impacts your social life and just all of those things. Um, also tends to create some divide, you know, in the partnership

Rachel: [: 00:04:00

Alicia Ferris: Yeah. Um, you know, I think one of the big things people worry about is divorce. Um, like how much is this stretching our relationship or severing, you know, creating fractures in our relationship and, you know, what the research says on it is. That no, it doesn't necessarily lead towards divorce, but it is a pivotal moment, meaning because it's such a significant impact on the relationship, couples either start to have those fractures and some impairment in the relationship because of the fertility experience, or because of the, some of the adversity, it brings them together and they're drawn closer and the relationship and the foundation is actually built up and strengthened.

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our needs met. That's right. [: 00:06:00

Alicia Ferris: Both. I primarily see individuals and then I'll bring their partner in, um, for maybe one or two sessions during the fertility journey.

Usually also then again, towards the end of the pregnancy or if there's a loss, we'll do some processing together around that. And then, you know, supporting them through postpartum that phase as well. So, so I do that. Some couples come in as a couple, meaning there's already some fracturing going on there in their dynamic, or they're coming up to a decision that they need to make together about their fertility journey, um, or about their pregnancy, um, And they want some guidance and support in making those decisions together.

rying to help a couple or an [: 00:07:00

Alicia Ferris: I think the biggest piece is the communication about the emotional experience, and this goes to, um, you know, one of the best practices right now in couples therapy of emotion focused therapy.

Sometimes we talk about a problem or a challenge that we're facing and we. Talk so much about this subject that we're missing the underlying emotions there that we're feeling about that subject. And if we can connect around what those emotions are, usually makes the whole conversation about the subject matter so much easier.

ffort to support each other, [: 00:08:00

Rachel: Yeah. I see that too, where there's, there's so much that they're each trying to do to be connected, but they're not necessarily connecting on those points and they actually end up.

Pushing each other a little further away as they're going through that So, can you speak a little bit more to how you help or what you would suggest for the couples to do to go deeper, to feel more connected.

Alicia Ferris: Yeah. So, I think one of the big things is for, um, the cycles, right? The rollercoaster, um, that we tend to be on with every cycle of hoping for a positive pregnancy test, you know, hoping that intervention was effective.

n, you know, if you can feel [: 00:09:00

So, um, Um, so that one antidote to that is being able to have a shared calendar around the fertility cycles and fertility treatments and what the medication regimen is and just all of the when the appointments are so that one person isn't doing the mental and emotional load of holding all of that by themselves.

ring the experience a little [: 00:10:00

So there's a whole bunch of those kinds of things, um, that I work with clients to be able to, to implement, um, small things, even like being able to know when that fertility window is. So separate from, you know, advanced reproductive technology and going to a fertility clinic for all those interventions, like even when you're just trying to conceive.

Um, naturally for that, and it's usually the woman, uh, tracking her cycles and knowing what her fertility window is and peeing on a stick to try and figure all of this out and taking her temperature and just all of these things, um, if he can be more a part of that and be tracking it himself as well, the partner, um, or if, you know, don't assume gender here, if their partner, regardless.

're just tracking what those [: 00:11:00

Because that tends to get that intimate connection turning into a bit. Business agreement of like reaching goals together. So, you know, both people being in the know can make it feel a little bit more spontaneous or have a little more buildup, especially for a woman that might need more mental and emotional buildup, um, for intercourse to not just have to be like, Oh, bam, this is now we need to do it now.

ndow, you know, that kind of [: 00:12:00

Rachel: Yeah, there's so much pressure around that window and getting it right.

Alicia Ferris: That's right. Yeah. And it's an impact, you know, for, for both people. I hear a lot about, you know, the desire going down there cause it becomes their performance kind of thing or a transactional kind of thing.

Um, so the other piece is, you know, looking at how it's affecting your sex life and addressing some of those more directly. Like, Maybe we need to be looking at being a little bit closer when we're not fertile so that we've got this offset. We're not just focused on sex when there's a goal associated with it, or, or maybe we're not even having sex.

We're just doing other forms of intimacy on a more regular basis. You know, that have nothing to do with making a baby.

at time, no matter if you're [: 00:13:00

Alicia Ferris: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I think the other piece is that fertility makes people kind of hold their breath and stop their life for however long you're going through that. It's difficult to, to plan Our next trip, if we think that we might be pregnant then, or do we RSVP for this wedding or not? I don't know that I could make it or travel or, or even the pieces around, you know, not wanting to go to baby showers or not wanting to go to social events because of people asking and those awkward conversations about, are you going to have a kid?

each other and being able to [: 00:14:00

All we've got is right now. So maybe we do some more together. Maybe we get out and we plan more together. We get out and socialize maybe in different ways, And I really encourage couples to look at this as borrowed time. Sure. Truly, if you want to be a mama, chances are you will find a way. And if If that way doesn't work for you, then you'll come to terms with that at that moment.

oor anytime you want to, you [: 00:15:00

You know, you can take those vacations together that are vacations instead of what I talk with parents about afterwards is think about it as an extended field trip with the children instead of vacation. It'll probably go better for your mindset. Um, so what can we do now to really take advantage of this waiting time, as opposed to just holding our breath and watching everybody else.

Carry out the lives we thought we were going to have right now.

Rachel: Yeah, I love that. That was definitely something I had a hard time doing when I went through my journey. And if there is one suggestion that everyone listening to this can take, it is don't stop living your life because once you have kids, it's so much different.

be there is that discrepancy [: 00:16:00

Alicia Ferris: Yeah, well, at the beginning there you talked about, um, what if, what if we don't want to do this, meaning there's It's some kind of decision that you may not be on the same page with or aligned on. And I think that's a key piece in working with couples around fertility. There's so many decisions and a lot of micro decisions and then major decisions you weren't expecting to have to make and all of those things that somehow we've got to get all the information so that it's informed and then both people have to share that information.

e place. At least, you know, [: 00:17:00

Um, I definitely was there myself. And so I give couples some structure to be able to have those conversations together. And there's a whole lot to that. But one kind of little hack for your listeners is to do a ruler test with each other, just anticipating what might be in the comfort zone of next steps for your partner.

essure on that IUI, which is [: 00:18:00

So just even, and while we don't want to think that this intervention Isn't going to work just having the conversation of like, well, where I'm at right now is if this doesn't work, I'm kind of, I think I might want to do this. I'm not sure if I'd want to do this. These are reasons why I would or wouldn't.

And just starting to kind of feel each other out with those conversations beforehand, usually creates a lot of relief. Because there's some fears that you won't be on the same page and the more you talk about it, the more there's a comfort level built up there that you might actually be on the same page and there might be support.

really help you talk through [: 00:19:00

I know that I wasn't, definitely wasn't ready to use anything but my own eggs at first. I had to go through and see those not work, but I knew for sure that I would rather do an intervention that would carry a pregnancy like doing, you know, egg donation or embryo donation, then over adoption because I so wanted that pregnancy experience and the attachment and all of those pieces, um, that come with being able to, to birth your child.

being, [: 00:20:00

Where are you at in that 1 to 5 scale and why? And so. Just naming the number can bring your own mindfulness and awareness in your process of kind of letting go of some of how we thought things were going to happen, um, versus how we want them to happen and moving forward, given our current reality, you know, all of those things.

h their partner on the issue.[: 00:21:00

Rachel: Yeah. Really coming to a place where they understand what the concerns are or the fears of doing it or not doing it can depersonalize it from you're preventing me from doing. Doing this next step to, okay, what are the concerns coming up? Is this something that we can work on together to get to that next step?

Or is there a reason that I'm not thinking of that maybe we should end it here?

Alicia Ferris: Mm hmm.

Rachel: That's right. Yeah.

When do you recommend couples counseling versus individual counseling and then bringing the partner in for a few sessions? Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

dividual or as a couple, um, [: 00:22:00

Then I would say, yeah, well, you know, we can, we can do this as a couple if they come in and they say, I'm worried about the relationship and they don't feel like they have adequate or specialized support for the journey they're going through personally. I usually encourage it be individual with their partner coming in for specific sessions.

s on board around, you know, [: 00:23:00

Those are all usually things, you know, that that can be done with a partner simply coming into session. And that's because as a couples counselor, your client is the. is the couple. It's the relationship, right? It's not either person individually. So unless the relationship is the primary concern, then it's not always necessary to go there, right?

needed. I think it very much [: 00:24:00

Rachel: That makes a lot of sense. There's so many things that are happening at the same time that if that individual is needing to process what's going on and needing to understand where they are, and then there's these little misses that are happening with their partner, bringing them in to work on that in the service of helping.

Your individual client move forward with a close connected relationship as opposed to we're really struggling in this process and we need to come together and work on this together.

Alicia Ferris: And some of that has to do with who the individual therapist is to like if they have an individual therapist established, but that individual therapist doesn't do couples or has that.

journey, then, you know, it [: 00:25:00

Either way, I think being able to do a couple session or bring your partner in is so critical, um, to making sure that everyone feels That we're proactively addressing some of the things that are the ramifications of a journey through infertility on the relationship and then. Setting you up for success for pregnancy, postpartum, parenting, all of those pieces.

know, then women do. And so [: 00:26:00

And they might have a really good point, a lot of support from their peers either. Cause guys often are not talking about some of those more intimate or private things, or there's some stigma associated with not being successful in producing offspring. So there there's just a whole. A lot wrapped up into that to where the men are often having these experiences completely unsupported.

Rachel: Which doesn't mean they're not going through some emotional turmoil about it. They just don't have anyone to talk to about it.

d, um, so yeah, there's some [: 00:27:00

Not to

Rachel: mention the added layer of

Alicia Ferris: infertility. Yeah. I think one, one piece we haven't talked about yet that would be really helpful is from day one in which, you know, the couple recognizes, Hey, like we've been trying for a while. This doesn't seem successful. Should we do something? Um, should we figure out what's going on?

If you can start as a couple to go through that process from day one, meaning Both of you are going in for diagnostic testing. Both of you are making changes in your diet and your toxin exposure, and, you know, alcohol, substance use, all of those things to increase fertility. Um, if you are doing it, Together from the get go, it can really help.

Oftentimes what I see [: 00:28:00

And. Her partner isn't doing any of those things or minimally, um, and so it can get you off on very separate tracks, right? At the beginning. So sure extent to which you're fully engaged with each other and kind of jointly making sacrifices. Um, and looking at as a, as a, this is, there are two things needed for this embryo to be developed, right?

t can be a game changer too. [: 00:29:00

Rachel: Yeah. In this scenario, we're talking about the female partner, but really there can be one person in the partnership is really having the panic about not being able to conceive and they kind of become the driving force.

And over time, if you're not working as a partnership, there can be resentment that builds up or fatigue that builds up on one side. And it doesn't mean that the other person doesn't want to have a child or isn't as invested. Yeah. But there's that disconnect somewhere, either around knowledge of what to do, or they're just not feeling the panic as intensely.

And that can be really difficult when you're creating a narrative about what's going on with your partner and, and you're not talking to them.

Alicia Ferris: Ironically, I see in same sex couples, whether it's male or female, they, there tends to be more immediate support there. They don't, it doesn't feel like such a separate track.

ally in heterosexual couples [: 00:30:00

What do you mean? What does it look like? How do I carry this out so that the problem is fixed, right? How do we operationalize this problem? Yes, yes. So if you can give them a map, if you can give them tools, usually, I've never had a case where they The response has been, yeah, no, I'm not really into that.

Like, uh, you're, you're on your own. It's just not, they're like, thank you. I needed something. She was starting to freak out and I wanted to fix it. Um, like how do I make it better? Um, and even as tangible as how to be able to talk to each other about things that are, you know, hard and emotional.

chel: Sure. I wonder if part [: 00:31:00

That could be.

Alicia Ferris: Well, and usually with the heterosexual couples, at least initially, unless there's some significant diagnoses there, um, you're not using gametes, right? You're not using donor egg or sperm. And so, um, one partner already feels like they are a part of it, as opposed to with same sex couples, if they're using their own egg or sperm, it's usually one partner doing that.

mon across the board, um, in [: 00:32:00

Rachel: Absolutely. These are such really important points for. our listeners to be thinking about of how can you show your partner that you're in it with them and how can you also ask your partner to join you if you feel like you're the one who might be putting in a little bit more of that effort right now, really slowing down and doing that ruler test, seeing where they are and what they might need to feel more joined up with you as well.

Alicia Ferris: Yeah, and not for this episode, but same on pregnancy loss, you know, that's a, that's a whole thing as well as, you know, keeping the relationship intact there and how to heal together, um, instead of separately. You know how to support each other through that whole process as well so that it's not coming out in different ways at different times in the relationship and family.

ready to wrap up here today, [: 00:33:00

Alicia Ferris: Um, I think the biggest thing is that What I hear the most from all of my clients is how alone they feel going through infertility.

I mean, across the board, that's what I hear the most.

Rachel: Yeah.

Alicia Ferris: And you've got a built in support person there. And just because it doesn't feel like that's working for you right now doesn't mean that it can't be leveraged to be able to support you a little better with what you're going through. And um, and there are tools and resources and people like you and I that are out there to help people through this journey and help.

You know, keep those relationships intact and even get stronger through this process. So

Rachel: yeah,

at people reach out for that [: 00:34:00

Rachel: Yeah. The more that they're able to leverage their relationship and feel like they're on the same page and on the same team, that'll only serve to their benefit as they get to the point that they're pregnant or get to the point that they have their baby and are in parenting and sleep deprived and all the things that come along with that.

Alicia Ferris: Yes. All the things. It's just the start of a process that needs teaming all the way along through. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Rachel: Well, thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing this knowledge with us. If people wanted to reach out to you, how might they do that?

Alicia Ferris: Yeah, they can just, uh, Google me, Alicia Ferris.

minute [: 00:35:00

Rachel: Well, thank you so much for joining us, and thank you for letting us know how we can support your practice and how you can support the people listening to the show.

Alicia Ferris: Yeah, absolutely. I appreciate being on here, and thanks so much for the work you're doing, because this just really needs more visibility for sure, so I love that.

Rachel: I appreciate that. Thank you.

There was so much wisdom in that conversation with Alicia, and I hope you're walking away with some insights and tools to feel more connected in this process. The biggest thing that I took away was really making sure that you're getting on the same page ahead of time, and really sharing your feelings, not just trying to have a game plan, but really taking the time to understand each other's emotions so that you can feel loved, seen, and valued.

ke opponents than teammates, [: 00:36:00

com, and I'll link everything in the show notes.

Thanks for spending this time with me, and please stick around for a few final thoughts.

That's it for today's episode of Coupled With. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. And if you found it helpful, please share it with a friend or leave a quick rating and review. It really helps the show reach more people.

ually brings you closer. You [: 00:37:00