Healing Together: How Overcoming Vaginismus Strengthened Love and Connection

Healing Together: How Overcoming Vaginismus Strengthened Love and Connection.

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You're listening to Coupled With, the podcast that helps you take the guesswork out of feeling seen, heard, and valued in your relationship. If you've ever felt stuck in the same arguments, struggled to stay connected, or wondered how to better communicate with your partner, you're in the right place. I'm Dr.

Rachel Orlick, a couples therapist and coach, and together, we're going to make relationships make sense. Let's dive in.

just an individual journey? [: 00:01:00

We also talk about the role spirituality played in her journey, not just in self regulation, but in rebuilding their emotional bond and creating a foundation for their future. If you or someone you love has ever struggled with intimacy, felt disconnected from your partner or wondered how healing can happen in relationships, then this conversation is for you.

Let's get into it.

Hi, Urvi. Welcome to the show. We're so glad that you can make it here.

Urvi: Thank you so much, Rachel. I'm so happy to be here and so excited to share my story.

Rachel: So you have a really [: 00:02:00

Can you share a little bit about what your journey has been like to this point?

Urvi: Yeah, yeah,

sure. It's been, um, it's been a long journey. So about nine years, um, eight and a half, nine years until, um, I finally became pregnant and now I have my son. Um, but it started off originally, um, and this was probably year two of my marriage, um, when I started to really think about like, okay, I want to be a mom, like, what are the steps I need to take?

st gynecologist I went to go [: 00:03:00

And so I just kind of clammed up and was like, okay, I'm not gonna do this. Like, I'm not like, forget it. Like, we don't need to have kids. And, um. At that time, my husband had a traveling job and so he was pretty much traveling. I want to say, like, 80 percent of the year. And so I was primarily by myself.

Right? And so, in my head, I'm like, all right, well, he's not even here. So, how are we even going to try to have kids or, like, how is it even going to work out if I do become pregnant? And, um, I was kind of, like, making up stories in my own head of, like, Why I don't want to become pregnant, um, but it was really a way for me to not face my fear of actually understanding the situation that happened.

d pain with any sort of like [: 00:04:00

Um, she's much younger and like, she was just like, okay, well, there's this condition called vaginismus and, um, you have it and I'm like, okay, what is this? And I remember, like, talking to her and at least I understood what I had, but like, it was still. Equally crushing for me, because, um, I just remember her saying, like, having kids may be difficult.

And for me, in my mind, that translated to I'm not having kids, even though she said could be difficult. I didn't really focus on those operative words. I just focus on difficult. And for me, I was just crushed. And so I cried in the car. Um,

Rachel: What is it about vaginismus that makes it difficult for you to have a kid?

like the vaginal walls start [: 00:05:00

But then even other things, right? Like, even if you were to go to exams and things like that, like, you would have to go through a process of things being inserted inside of you, um, in order for you to, you know, like ultrasounds and other things. And so, um, I, I think for me, it was like very crushing to hear like, okay, well, I'm, I'm going to have to get through this first before, um.

Of course. And I didn't know how to tell my husband. I didn't know, like, what to do. I was very ashamed of it. Like, I kind of felt like, why me? Why is this happening to me? I didn't even know that it's, you know, other women could have it. Like, I kind of felt very isolated at the same time.

It's not something a [: 00:06:00

Yeah, it's after I learned that I was like, oh, there's, there's actually a lot of women that do have this and they go through it. And, um, I started to find hope because I started to become part of the support groups where women were talking about getting pregnant, even though they had vaginismus and the ways that they were getting pregnant and stuff.

And so, um, the first part of all of that was getting cured. And so I started going to pelvic floor therapy and, um, my pelvic floor therapist. Okay. Um, was she was amazing. Like she had this natural gift of just keeping me calm. And a lot of the things that we practiced was mindfulness, um, along with understanding, like the muscles of not only the pelvic floor, but like the head, um, you know, all of the other muscles that are connected to the pelvic floor that were tight for me.

y breath and. Yeah. Um, that [: 00:07:00

Rachel: Pelvic floor physical therapy is so important. I feel like Any woman listening to this who has ever been pregnant, ever wants to be pregnant, is currently pregnant should absolutely get pelvic floor physical therapy.

It helps with vaginismus and pain. It helps with making sure you don't have urinary leaks when you're pregnant or post pregnancy. We think about them being really loose, but they can actually get really tight, which is what you experienced.

Urvi: Yeah, really tight. And, um, I think the other part that I want to mention in terms of connection is the mind body connection.

erted something like my mind [: 00:08:00

But I started to realize, like, oh, okay, well, if I just, like, stay calm and, like, breathe and do these breathing exercises and, like, really relax my muscles and then start to do other exercises, um, like, of inserting, like, the dilators and things like that, it doesn't hurt and, like, then I started to become very curious about it.

Like, okay, what is this? And so I started doing a lot of research and, like, mind body connection and what is, what is this? And, like, It's just like a whole different world was just open to me. I started to like, dive into this other world of not only spirituality, but mind body connection, emotion, how emotions are part of all this.

Um, and then just energetic work.

around chronic pain and how [: 00:09:00

Urvi: Yeah, absolutely. Um, and I think that not only that, but I feel like when we bring the awareness to understand that connection between the mind body, we start to take ownership of our own life. Like, for a long time, I think the theme that I kept playing in my head was like, I'm a victim of this disease or this condition, right?

e, um, of certain situations [: 00:10:00

Rachel: As you are going through that journey and you are experiencing that pain, how did that impact your relationship with your husband?

Urvi: So we, we definitely took a journey. So, like I said, my husband traveled a lot for work at that time. And, um, I remember the day that I found out about my vaginismus. I didn't even tell him for about a week.

Um, and, you know, fast, like, actually rewind. Me and my husband before we, we started dating, got married, we were like really good friends. And so our relationship was based, like the foundation was this friendship. And like that friendship was based on like the trust and this very openness that we had of sharing everything that we were going through.

And so for me to not [: 00:11:00

And he probably doesn't, doesn't want to be married to me anymore because I have this condition.

I felt like, okay, well, he's going to learn this and then maybe he's going to think that we won't be able to have any intimacy in our marriage and like, that might lead him to like, like, everything in my head was like, he's going to leave me when I tell him, right?

Like, I was making up all of these stories and like, for a while, I was like, okay, I'm not going to tell him. And I was like, I have to tell him because like, not telling him is not also solving anything for me. And Um, I told him and he was very supportive of it. He's like, what do we need to do? And I was like, well, we don't really need to do anything.

ke, angry and resentful. So, [: 00:12:00

And I think a lot of that weighed on our marriage as well, because I just kind of pushed him away. Um, even after I told him I had this condition, because I felt like a lot of it was For me to solve and like he was fine like he didn't have anything wrong with him. I had to figure this out. I had to solve it.

pelvic floor therapist, um, [: 00:13:00

Like, you, like, you just need to talk to him and open up the communication again and, like, feel safe with him. Because that's, like, the very first part of vaginismus and, like, healing from vaginismus. And so, I started to include him. Even if he was traveling, he wasn't home, I would call him and be like, I went to the, I went to the, public floor therapist.

This is what we did. This is how I feel. This is what came up. And that started to grow our relationship back together in terms of intimacy as well.

Rachel: There was this process that you went through where you started telling yourself that being close with your husband was no longer safe. Your body remembers that there's more pain when you're then intimate.

kind of angry and resentful [: 00:14:00

Which I think is a really common story for, I'll be heteronormative, but women and in relationships as they're going through their journey to get pregnant, especially if they're having difficulty, it seems like a lot of the work ends up being on the female or the person who will be the intended pregnant person's shoulders.

Urvi: Yeah, yeah. And, and it was also, I think, because he was traveling, I always had this story in my head of like, okay, well, it's so much easier for him to shoot on me or to leave me or to, like, not be around, right? Because he wasn't physically with me every day. And so I thought that he just doesn't want to be part of it.

, not be home. Um, and those [: 00:15:00

And it took me about from the day I found out I had vaginismus to the day I actually learned. To seek help for it was two years, was a span of two years for me to actually take the action of going to a physical therapist and saying, I want to get cured from that. And for those two years, I was living with all of those thoughts and all of those emotions and feelings.

And, you know, That's such a long time.

Rachel: So what was the next step as, as you started to heal from the vaginismus, and you were working with your husband, you finally started letting him in? How did your journey progress from there?

Yeah, so, um, once I started [: 00:16:00

I was very committed to doing my homework, doing whatever she said at home, um, which really helped. Um, and during that time, those six months or five and a half months that I was with her, I brought a lot of awareness. Um, in my own body and my own spirit, even, um, where I opened up channels, I think, spiritually, um, which allowed me to see life in a very different way.

, I just allowed my heart to [: 00:17:00

feel the love that was around me. And a lot of that was from my husband. Like I started seeing him in a different way. Like, Oh my God, like he's still here. Like he's still with me. He's supporting me. He's doing these exercises with me. Like, you know, he's coming with me to like appointments that I need to go to.

Um, and I think that really allowed me to Open up even more in our marriage, um, to just be, I think me opening up in our marriage really created this closeness that we didn't have before.

Rachel: As you became more aware of your own spirituality, your own openness, your, your own inner world, it really helped you find ways to connect with him even more.

t's like, I'm creating these [: 00:18:00

Right? And, and when I stopped doing that, and I stopped. creating stories, but actually just being open to letting things unfold and just being curious about like, hmm, wonder what this is about and like not actually creating something, but like just letting it happen. That's when I started to really open up to him and like seeing how much he really loved and cared for me.

Rachel: That curiosity that you spoke of, I think is really important because we do, we go, we jump to conclusions. I call it our filter, the way we see the world, the way we've been programmed from our past, the things that we've experienced. We have this filter that we see the world to make meaning of what's happening, but we don't often consider what is going on for the person that we're seeing that we're making meaning of.

So in this case, you [: 00:19:00

Urvi: I was, it was about dropping my judgment. I think I had a lot of judgments about the marriage about him about what he cared for. He didn't care for. And I think when I was able to become very non judgmental, but curious, like, not just like, I'm not judging you at all. It was just like from judgmental to curious.

ously he's also part of this [: 00:20:00

It's creating this dance between the two of us. So when I stepped back and I stopped doing the things I was doing. Um, acting the way I was acting out of my anger and resentment allowed him to breathe and actually be there for me the way he wanted to and not the way that I was trying to control him to.

Rachel: Yeah, you were able to break out of that pattern or negative cycle.

That's really interesting. I think that's really important for other people to hear that sometimes the way we are in relationships keeps that pattern going. And when we change, the system has no choice but to change at the same time. It can't stay the same if we start to change if we recognize our own judgments if we recognize our biases and we start to be more open or change those the system will inevitably change.

Urvi: Yeah, and I [: 00:21:00

What do we do? Um, I started to find myself back into that place of like, geez, so I cured one thing and now I'm going back into like this other thing of like, now I can't like, why am I not getting pregnant? Right? It's like, I had to continuously break out of that cycle. Not let him not, like, pushing away, um, during the journey.

And, um, I remember when we started, uh, I had told him, like, I can't do this alone. Like, this is you and me. Like, I know, like, majority of, like, the procedures is on me, but, like, you're part of this journey. Um, just as much as I am. So, um, he took me to every appointment I had to go to. He would take days off.

Like, it was just, I [: 00:22:00

Rachel: That's so important. A lot of women end up feeling alone and want their partners with them. And I don't know if it's the couple's belief or one partner's belief that the non birthing partner doesn't have to be in the room for the different appointments because it's not their body getting examined, but being there, being the emotional support and not going through that alone is so important for the intimacy of the marriage or the relationship.

Not just physical intimacy, but the emotional intimacy and feeling like a partnership.

Urvi: Yeah, and I mean, you know, as we're going through IVF even pregnancy, there were a few times when I had to get the transvaginal ultrasound. And so I am okay with vaginismus, like, you still have pain every now and then.

remember he would just, um, [: 00:23:00

And it was just, I feel like because he knew what I was going through and like, all of it, he was able to be there to be, to be an advocate. Even the day of my birth, um, there was like, I was just Sometimes not there. And so he was able to advocate for me because he knew, um, kind of my, my state of mind emotionally and also mentally and, um, physically what I was going through and what I had been through.

stress of being new parents. [: 00:24:00

Urvi: Yeah, and I, I mean, I still went through my own issues, like, through IVF through pregnancy. I still felt isolated. I still felt alone. I still felt like, um, he wasn't there even though he was right. Like. I think just on a human level, it's so easy for us to see what we don't have versus what we do have. Um, because we're constantly being fed that, um, on a daily basis, like we're constantly being reminded of like what we don't have.

up so that he could help me.[: 00:25:00

I still felt that way. And even, um, after birth, I went through postpartum depression and anxiety, um, which was another journey that we took together as a couple. But I, I remember there was a point where I was like, I don't want to do this to you anymore. Like, I feel like I continuously like. And bringing on so much like sadness into your life because of like my own, you know, like my own sort of things that I'm going through.

Um, and I was like, maybe it's just better for us to just like split.

Rachel: And that hurts my heart.

Just thinking about you

Urvi: going through that. Yeah. And he just looked at me and he's like, he's like, I'm here. He's like, I'm not going anywhere. He's like, anyways, if even if we split, like there's nobody else I would want to be with.

changes, right? Like he also [: 00:26:00

So, um, I think just being there for each other and just communicating what we're going through and knowing that we both feel Equally needed therapy needed help needed to talk to somebody else that could help us through this was the best help that we could give each other.

Rachel: Yeah, even though you were on your own journeys, you were still finding ways to come together to show each other that you loved each other that you were there with each other.

Urvi: Yep.

not just the kids, but also [: 00:27:00

Urvi: And I think for us, what has helped us is just keeping the communication open. So one of the things that we do is he has his own things that he loves to do. Um, and I have my things that I love to do. Um, and every Sunday, we kind of sit down and we kind of go through. Okay, here's the schedule for this week.

This is what I'm going to do. What what is your schedule look like? Like, if we have to figure out what the schedule is for my son, who's going to be there for him to do that for that. Um, and then we'll talk about, like, okay, like, what are some goals that we want to do? What are some things that we want to do together this week?

And then also. Be there for [: 00:28:00

Rachel: I love that strategy.

In my work, I call those couples meetings and always recommend that couples do them once a week. Worst comes to worst, you don't have anything to talk about. You just spend 30 minutes, an hour, having a cup of tea and finding a way to connect with one another. Yeah, but that space is always together.

This has been so helpful.

As we're getting ready to close up today, is there something that you suggest to almost every client that you work with, or you would want the listeners here to really think about or take with them from our talk today?

Urvi: Yeah, so I work a lot in like, the spiritual space, right? And I guess, um, break any myths.

t or you're bringing in is a [: 00:29:00

And so to break out of that is to start thinking about ways that you can change that energy, release that energy, right? And so I always tell my clients, like, a thought or, or an emotion, or even like, you just like observing something, like, all of that is energy just become very aware of, like, what energy you're in.

And what energy you want to be in, right? If you are not aligned to the energy, you want to be in, you have control of changing that. That's in your control. You can choose to do. What you choose to do. Um, that's not in anybody else's control. And so, I think when I started understanding that and applying that to my life, that's when things started to shift.

Like, I still get into [: 00:30:00

So either I kind of change that energy, I transmute that energy, or I just replace it with some other energy that I really want to be in.

Rachel: Thank you. I think That kind of ownership of our experience and being able to say, okay, I can recognize where I am and this isn't where I want to be, how do I take the steps to move towards the energy that I want to put out there, how I want to interact with my partner, how I want to interact with my world.

initely have huge impacts on [: 00:31:00

Urvi: Absolutely.

Rachel: That's so important. This discussion has been really enlightening and I love to think about your journey from the challenges that you experienced to really Finding yourself and finding your own awareness and this new energy and spirituality that you've been talking about and how you've been able to keep that thread as you've gone through these different parts of your life and really sharing that it's not a one stop shop.

You don't get there and all of a sudden you've walked through the door and you never have those issues again. This is a constant practice that you're having where things are going to happen. You recognize it and you employ these strategies again and again.

Urvi: Absolutely. Yep.

Rachel: So if anyone listening here wants to be able to get a hold of you, what's the best way for them to do that?

ways. Um, I'm very active on [: 00:32:00

Um, and then my website, which is www. innersurroundylifecoaching. com.

Rachel: Wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and your knowledge with us. I'm sure it's going to help a lot of people.

Urvi: Absolutely. Thank you, Rachel, for having me on the show.

Rachel: I am so grateful to Urvi for sharing her journey so openly. Her story is such a powerful reminder that healing just doesn't happen within us, it happens between us in our relationships. If this conversation resonated with you, I encourage you to take a moment to reflect. Where in your own relationship do you need more connection?

More patience, [: 00:33:00

That's it for today's episode of Coupled With. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. And if you found it helpful, please share it with a friend or leave a quick rating and review. It really helps the show reach more people.

ening, and I'll see you next [: 00:34:00