Why Understanding Attachment Theory & Relationship Cycles Changes Everything

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Rachel Orlick, a couples therapist and coach, and together, we're going to make relationships make sense. Let's dive in.

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So what we're going to cover today is what attachment theory actually is in real life terms, how conflict cycles work and why they tend to repeat themselves, and the number one shift that helps you break free from them. And don't worry, this is not another just communicate better lecture, because let's be real, if that worked, you wouldn't be here.

Okay, so what is attachment theory? You've probably heard the term before, but let's break it down in a way that actually makes sense in real life. Here are the basics. Attachment theory is the way we learn to connect and feel safe in our relationships. It's something that's developed in childhood, but it tends to play out in our adult relationships.

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And there are a few different kinds of attachment styles. So first there's secure attachment where we trust our partner, we trust the people in our lives and we really engage in repair. There's anxious, where we're really constantly scanning for signs of rejection and abandonment and scared that anything could happen between our partner that would leave us feeling alone.

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An anxious person may start to spiral, oh no, did I say something wrong? Are they angry at me? What happened? Maybe that thing that happened last night wasn't actually okay. And an avoidant person might think, okay, now I have to text back or they're going to be upset and what do I need to do to avoid conflict?

Can you see how the same situation hits people really differently? That's how attachment works. Multiple people can experience the same event, and have really different experiences of that same event.

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And that time came. And it went, and I didn't hear from him, and more time went, and I started getting anxious and angry, and the thoughts that went through my mind are, I'm not cared about, I'm not respected, my time is invalued, and it just started to increase that pressure inside of me, and eventually he came over, it was probably an hour or so later than I thought it would be, and when he got there, I He had no idea that anything had happened, and I was furious.

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So how does understanding this actually change how couples approach conflict? Well, what you have to understand is that all of these hurts, all of these reasons why we are the way we are, they don't start in that relationship. There may be things that happen in that relationship that create new sensitivities.

But it doesn't all start there. It starts a long time ago with how we're trained in emotions. By growing up, we have our families, our culture, our school, other kids. We're told if emotions are okay or not. And what our society has done a really good job of, for a really long time, is invalidating All emotion.

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For example, I was at the park the other day with my son and this other child started crying. I looked over and he was clutching his ankle. And all of a sudden I hear from the other side of the playground is this child's mother telling him to get up. And as she was coming towards him, she asked him, are you a boy?

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And this is a period of time when he is starting to develop his attachment style. If he's developing an anxious attachment style, he may turn towards getting louder, crying more, getting more attention so that he can try to connect with his mom.

If he has more of an avoidant attachment style, he may learn to compartmentalize his hurts and his feelings and not bring them up with his mom because that's the only way she'll accept him.

The reason why this is really important is that you're coming into a relationship with somebody who has a pre existing framework for how they understand the world, how they make meaning of the world, and how their neurobiology and their brains react to situations in the world, and it's all in an effort to keep them safe.

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And once you can see it through this different lens, then you can work towards depersonalizing that behavior and start understanding it.

Take a second and think. When you feel disconnected in your relationship, do you tend to lean in and seek reassurance? Or do you need space to figure things out? Do you get anxious when your partner is quiet? Or do you start to become wary and pull away so that you don't rock the boat?

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That way, when they have conflict, it's not that it feels good, but they can work through it and develop even more confidence in their relationship and trust in their partner.

And while our baseline attachment styles may not change, they may always be there in times of stress. Our attachment style in a relationship, one particular relationship, can change as we work to develop more security and space for safety in that relationship. That's how we develop more feelings of being valued.

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Now that we understand how attachment impacts the way we respond to stress, let's talk about how this plays out in your actual arguments, the conflict cycles that you get stuck in again and again. This leads me to talking about this pattern that we see in relationships.

this is why you get stuck in the same fight this dynamic that we're talking about is the pursuer withdrawer dynamic. So the pursuer, who tends to be the more anxious partner, wants to talk about things now, wants to feel better, Wants to reconnect, but initially they may come across as critical, sharp in their tone, angry, They may get loud.

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They're more avoidant, so they get scared of making things worse. They get scared of having their fears about not being important confirmed, or their fears of being a failure, of being rejected by their partner and not accepted. So, they tend to avoid and withdraw as a way to protect themselves. This is their wall that they put up.

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This is important. If you're the pursuer, your instinct is to push forward. To try to reconnect. If you're the withdrawer, you're wanting more space because you feel flooded or you're scared that anything you do will result in more escalation. But the more the pursuer pushes, the more the withdrawer withdraws.

And if you're the withdrawer, the more you withdraw, the more your partner will push. This is where couples get stuck. And now let's start talking about how to shift it.

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We think that if we explain it correctly, if we show our partner the facts, if we get them to understand it from our point of view, then we will have this big change. They'll stop feeling hurt. They'll want to connect more with us and everything will go back to the way it was. And we actually can then do that without any vulnerability.

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So we get caught in this pattern of over explaining, more frustration, feeling unseen, feeling unappreciated or undervalued. And then we Over explain again, hoping that this time it'll be different. This time they will understand. I see this every day with my clients. We get stuck in, well, you didn't do the laundry correctly, or you forgot to pick up the, the corn that I asked for from the store, and we forget to talk about

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I mean, he didn't do anything wrong. I think. You know, in hindsight, he said, you know, I should have called, or I should have texted you to let you know, or we should have had better expectations going into it, but he didn't understand how that was really going to impact me. And if he did, he certainly would have done it differently because he cared about my feelings.

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So again, those of us who have been successful in other areas of our life tend to go towards logic as a way to try to resolve issues and get out of the cycle. However, emotions don't work like that. It's not like a piece of code that you can just plug something else into and have a different outcome.

This is another person. You actually have to understand their emotions and do something different to get out of the cycle. And I'm going to share a little bit about how to do that.

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But the good news is that once you see the pattern, then you have the power to change it.

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So really starting to then slow down and name what's happening.

I feel really stuck here. I'm noticing that I'm trying to explain things and you're getting quieter and shutting down more. Or maybe I'm trying to explain things and you're getting angrier. You're getting more hurt. I wonder if I'm actually dismissing what you feel. So really noticing that tendency to want to over explain what's happening for you, which may then end up dismissing what your partner is feeling.

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Does that mean to you that your partner won't reject you, that you'll be seen as competent? Was there a time in your history where being wrong was really difficult and you had a really hard time with that in school or with your parents? Thinking about what might lead into this pattern that you have of maybe trying to get The one up on one another, or why it feels so important to be right in that situation and have your partner see it from your perspective.

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Rarely in my entire career have I experienced where one partner has been really vulnerable and the other partner just rejects them for it. Really every time I'm in session with a client and their partner opens up and is emotional and doesn't blame them and just shares their own pain, the partner has always said, I feel so much closer to you.

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And also be more understanding and open with you. So, this concept of connection can be a little bit vague. And the way that I have learned to describe it over the years is to call it not being alone.

Ultimately, we feel connected when we don't feel alone. In our world, when we know that there's some safe place that we can go and what we're really shooting for is that safe place being our partner, you really invest a lot in that person and you want them to be your safe home base.

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We can see the facts differently. We can problem solve more effectively. So, again, it's not about finding the perfect words. It's about going to a more vulnerable part of yourself and slowing down and listening more. Try just saying, Hey, we're stuck in our cycle. Can we hit pause? Can we try again?

I really want to understand you better. I feel like there's part of what I'm going through that you don't understand too. So, I want us to find safety and be able to talk about this together.

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Maybe asking yourself, what is it that I feel unheard right now? What would help me feel more understood?

Being more curious creates more space. That's really a lot of what I do in a session with clients is that I create more of a space for curiosity and exploration. When we blame, when we point fingers, when we let go of our own responsibility to put that responsibility on our partner, it starts to create walls.

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What I really want to do is understand you better. So, that little bit of owning your part of the cycle, sharing a little bit about yourself, being more curious about them. It starts to repair. When we feel more repaired, then this isn't a situation that keeps coming up again and again over time.

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So being able to let go of those walls of having to have your perspective be agreed with the goal should be having your perspective understood and Knowing that your partner really cares About the impact of what this cycle had on you when you really trust that. And when your partner really trusts that with you, then you repair and you feel like you're not alone anymore.

So to get out of that cycle, [: 00:27:00

Taking responsibility or acknowledging you're part of the cycle. Prioritizing connection and not letting your partner be alone over being right. Shifting away from blame. And working towards repair. As you do this more frequently and you get more practice, your body starts to remember. And these little conflicts don't feel as threatening anymore.

And then your body and your mind don't automatically go towards those danger signals. Those alarm bells don't have to go off all the time anymore. And we slowly move towards a more securely connected relationship with our partner.

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Just focus on noticing the pattern. That alone can change everything.

That's it for today's episode of Coupled With. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. And if you found it helpful, please share it with a friend or leave a quick rating and review. It really helps the show reach more people.

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