Perfectionism in Relationships—The Pressure to "Get It Right" & Why It Backfires - Descript

Speaker: 00:00:09

You are listening to coupled with

the podcast that helps you take the

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guesswork out of feeling seen, heard,

and valued in your relationship.

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If you've ever felt stuck in the same

arguments, struggled to stay connected,

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or wondered how to better communicate with

your partner, you're in the right place.

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I am Dr.

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Rachel Orick, a couples therapist

and coach, and together we're

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going to make relationships.

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Make sense?

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Let's dive in.

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Have you ever felt like you have

to handle every conversation

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in your relationship perfectly?

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Like one wrong move, one wrong

word could ruin everything?

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If so, you might be dealing with

perfectionism in your relationship.

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Perfectionists tend to believe that if

they just communicate the right way, at

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the right time, with the right words,

they can control how their partner reacts.

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But here's the thing, relationships

don't work like a perfectly coded

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program and the pressure to get

it right often backfires, leaving

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you feeling more frustrated,

unseen and emotionally drained.

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So here's what we're covering today,

why perfectionism shows up in the

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relationships and where it comes from, how

the need to get it right actually pushes

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your partner away, and a mindset shift.

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to let go of control and

build true connection instead.

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Okay, so I want to start this conversation

by saying, I am a perfectionist.

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I struggle with this concept all the time.

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In fact, I have been working on

launching this podcast for nearly a year.

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And because I couldn't get it perfect, I

couldn't put it out there into the world.

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It's been so vulnerable.

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And I've really had to work on this part

of myself in a lot of areas of my life,

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even just to get this podcast launched.

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So let's talk a little bit about

how perfectionism actually seeks to

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help us stay safe in a relationship.

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Perfectionism can be an adaptive

way that we try to prevent

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disconnection in our relationship.

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So when we fear being rejected

or abandoned by our partner

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in some way, it may drive us.

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To perfectionism and people pleasing

or trying to control the situation

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or outcome as a way to prevent

that rupture in our relationship.

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It may come with this belief of if

I am not perfect, if I don't say it

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perfectly, if I don't do something

perfectly, then my partner will leave me.

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They won't accept me.

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Or it might be that I have to be perfect

and self-sufficient in order to avoid

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being dependent on somebody else,

because if I'm too dependent on somebody

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else, I will inevitably get hurt.

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And let me get something straight.

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Perfectionism is not all bad.

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Positive perfectionism is actually a

really healthy drive for excellence.

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It's setting high standards and really

striving to improve and grow and learn.

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When there are mistakes that's seen as

a learning experience, you're able to

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take something from that and work towards

achieving more excellence in the future.

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But there's also negative

perfectionisms, which is an excessive

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worry about making mistakes.

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The drive for this kind of perfectionism

is often the fear of failure or

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being criticized or making mistakes,

and those mistakes are seen as a

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really negative thing, as opposed to

something that you can learn from.

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So they take it.

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As it'll make them look bad or they

tend to dwell on their shortcomings and

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they have a lot of anxiety and distress

and self-criticism when it comes to

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experiencing mistakes or failures.

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And if you're a failure, and

if you think about how that

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might come up in a relationship,

that can be really detrimental.

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Often my clients find that perfectionism,

which works really well for them, often

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in their professional settings where

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being detailed oriented

is really important.

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And then they come into their relationship

and they try to use those same skills,

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but it's not as helpful because in a

relationship that becomes about control.

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And when two people are in a

relationship and one person is trying

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to control it, or even worse, two

people are trying to control it.

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Then inevitably there's a struggle.

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And this is why perfectionists really

struggle in their relationships.

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I can just think about times in my own

relationship when I spent hours drafting

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a text to my partner, and maybe it was

after a disagreement or when I wanted to

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connect about something and I would just

agonize over tone and punctuation and

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the exact right way to word my feelings,

and my partner would respond with.

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Okay.

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Or a thumbs up or a quick sounds good.

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Something like that.

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And I would just feel so

devastated and disappointed.

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And that's a moment that just

highlights the mismatch and emotional

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labor where perfectionism really

created distance instead of clarity.

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So in this example, and in many other

ways, perfectionism in relationships

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comes out as overanalyzing.

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Everything waiting to have a conversation

until you figure it out, the exact

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right way to say it so that your partner

doesn't feel hurt or feel disconnected

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from you or get angry with you.

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You end up taking a lot of responsibility

for the emotions of your partner and.

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You likely will even shut down or avoid

conflict as a way of avoiding, quote,

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messing up and not getting it right.

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Perfectionists who often deal with

negative perfectionism and shut

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down or pull away from relationships

or try to control what's happening

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in their relationship so that

they can feel comfortable.

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Often have a lot of self-critique.

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There's an inner critic in them that.

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Tells them they're gonna mess it up.

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Tells them that they're not enough,

they're not good enough for their partner.

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They won't be enough for their

partner, but they may also

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be critical of their partner.

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Their partner isn't doing enough for them.

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Are you starting to see elements of

yourself and what I'm describing, or maybe

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you see parts of your partner in this?

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Can you imagine how devastating this

would be for your relationship if this

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was part of it, but also how stressful

this would be for you to be dealing with

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these kind of thoughts day in and day out,

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worrying that if you got it even

a little bit wrong, the entire

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relationship could crumble.

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As with anything in this attachment

world, this all stems from

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something that happened way before

you're in this relationship.

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So often our childhood experiences lead

us to wanting to be more perfectionistic.

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It feels nice when our parents praise

us, tell us that we're good at something

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and we feel loved and seen and valuable.

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That may be something that our parents did

where they only praised us for being good,

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or they only praised us for achievements.

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Or it could be that that's just the time

that you felt the most valued and loved.

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There may be cultural expectations that.

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Relationships only work

if you don't fight.

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So you have to say things perfectly

to avoid those fights when in fact

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conflict is a really normal and

necessary part of all relationships.

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No matter how much couples therapy you

might go to, you're never gonna be able

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to avoid all conflict, and honestly,

you wouldn't want to because those are.

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Pieces of our life where we can

grow together and understand each

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other more deeply, and in fact

create a lot more connection.

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You know, professionally, I see this

with a lot of clients who are doctors or

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engineers, or maybe even other therapists.

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Basically people who excel in

systems of precision and order, but

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relationships just aren't like that.

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They're messy and emotional and inherently

imperfect, and when we try to shove

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them into a box, they lose something.

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They lose that closeness, and we start

either taking meaning from it that

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we aren't enough or we're sending

that meaning to our partner that this

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relationship or they aren't enough for us.

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So here's the irony.

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The harder you try to make things perfect,

the more disconnect you actually create.

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This is how it backfires.

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Your partner feels like they can't

relax because when one person is always

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striving for things to be perfect, the

relationship just ends up feeling tense.

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You might not say it aloud.

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But they can really feel the pressure.

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They're noticing the micro

expressions that cross your face,

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the little behaviors that you have.

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They're looking for the signals

and cues that tell them that

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it's not emotionally safe.

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From the outside, it really might

feel like you're walking on eggshells

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around someone who's emotionally

guarded but outwardly composed.

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It really creates a disconnect.

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You end up missing real

emotional connection.

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You're so focused on saying

things right, that you actually

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start to lose authenticity.

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It's like showing up in a relationship

with a script instead of your real self.

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You just don't get to

connect with the real person.

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You become emotionally exhausted.

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It really is so tiring, overthinking

every move, and it leads to burnout

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and resentment in the relationship.

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You may even start thinking

like, why am I trying so hard?

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It never seems to work anyway.

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You know, I hear from clients all the time

that they're rehearsing and practicing

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their speeches to their partners

well before they ever get to them.

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And they start to say

they're rehearsed speech.

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They look at their partner and they

can see that they don't connect.

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And that's just so deflating

and disappointing because

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they're trying so hard.

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They care so much about this relationship

and they care so much about their partner

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that they're trying so hard to make it

work and find the exact right words to say

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so that they can unlock that key to their

partner's heart and feel more connected.

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But the problem is they're not connecting

because they're performing and aren't

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speaking from the heart at that point.

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They're so nervous about getting it wrong,

that they're robotic, and inevitably

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that makes it feel less personal.

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So this is where the big

shift needs to happen.

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We have to shift from performing to

being present instead of thinking,

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how do I say this perfectly?

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Ask yourself, what am I actually feeling?

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How can I convey this

vulnerability to my partner?

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Because what they wanna see is inside

you, the real feelings that are coming

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up, the real fears, the real hurts,

even if it's hard for them to hear.

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They wanna be connected to

you, not this image of you that

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you're quote supposed to be.

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So you can practice saying something

messy like, this is really hard for me

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to talk about and I'm worried I'm going

to say it wrong, but I wanna try anyway.

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I wanna connect with you and.

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Just see how it goes.

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Allow yourself to make mistakes.

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Allow yourself to say to your partner,

oh, that wasn't quite what I meant.

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Let me try again.

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Be prepared to embrace repair

over perfection, because

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really conflict is inevitable.

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Your goal isn't to avoid making mistakes,

but to repair from them when they happen.

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When you can acknowledge and own a

mistake that you've made, then you're

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much better able to go to your partner

and talk about the things that are hurting

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you or, or scaring you, or being able to

hear what's going on with your partner.

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So for example, instead of beating

yourself up for reacting emotionally,

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come back and say, you know.

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I got frustrated earlier.

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What I really wanted to say in that

moment was, and then try again.

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Let them know what you wanna say.

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Now that you're feeling more in

touch with those emotions, now that

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you're feeling a little bit calmer.

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Real intimacy is built on the moments

where we reconnect after disconnection,

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not just from a flawless delivery.

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And you wanna focus on being connected

to your partner, not controlling them.

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You can't control how your

partner responds, but you

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can control how you show up.

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And when I say that, I don't mean what

you say as part of this perfect script,

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what you can control is showing up.

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From the heart with your true feelings

and vulnerabilities, telling them

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that they are important to you, that

you don't wanna be alone in this, and

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you don't want them to feel alone.

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You can't control if they feel

hurt or sad or scared, but what

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you can focus on is being present

with them, engaged with them.

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And genuine.

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And ultimately what that is going

to convey is that they're not alone

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in what they're feeling, that you're

right there next to them and that you

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care about what they're going through.

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Ultimately, we feel connected and

trusting of our partner when we believe

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that our feelings matter to them.

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So if you can convey that what's coming

up for your partner, even if it hurts

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you, even if you feel frustrated, even if

it triggers you to take a step back, if

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you can convey to the your partner that

through all of that they are still really

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important to you and you wanna work on

this and you wanna be more connected to

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them, that is the most important thing.

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Not the specific words that come out.

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Because trying to make every conversation

perfect is like trying to thread a

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needle while walking on a tightrope.

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It's tense, exhausting,

and probably not the point.

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So let's practice letting

go of the outcome.

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Ask yourself, what do I want

them to feel in this moment?

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That mindset can lead to more

vulnerability instead of strategy,

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because if what you want them to feel

is connected to you and open to you

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and trust you, you might actually be

able to have some input into that.

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And if not, then you can lean

into repair when it comes back

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to how you had that misstep.

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So again, let's focus on shifting from

performing to being more present, it

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embracing repair over perfection, and

focusing on connection instead of control.

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When we do these things, we're opening

the door to some really deep connection.

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So let's recap.

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Perfectionism in relationships

comes from the need for control.

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The pressure to get it right

actually creates more disconnection

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and real connection comes from

being present, not perfect.

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So here's my final thought.

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Next time you catch yourself rehearsing

a conversation, why don't you pause

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and ask yourself, am I trying to

connect or am I trying to control?

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That small shift could change everything.

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That's it for today's

episode of Coupled With.

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Thank you so much for

spending this time with me.

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If this episode resonated with you,

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And if you wanna take what we talked

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guide on how to start hard conversations

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You can find it at my website,

www.drracheloreck.com.

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And don't worry, I'll

leave it in my show note.

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Thanks again for listening,

and I'll see you next time.