Why Saying Sorry Isn’t Enough: The Real Art of Repair in Relationships

Why Saying Sorry Isn’t Enough: The Real Art of Repair in Relationships

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Rachel: You're listening to Coupled With, the podcast that helps you take the guesswork out of feeling seen, heard, and valued in your relationship.

If you've ever felt stuck in the same arguments, struggled to stay connected, or wondered how to better communicate with your partner, you're in the right place.

I'm Dr. Rachel Orleck, a couples therapist and coach, and together, we're going to make relationships make sense. Let's dive in.

sorry. You're going to love [: 00:01:00

In relationships, we go beyond the generic advice and talk about what repair actually looks like when you're in the thick of it with someone you love. The kind of repair that rebuilds, trust, softens, defenses, and makes you feel close again. Not just fine. Shannon shares.

Why? Well-meaning apologies often backfire. How defensiveness shows up even when we don't mean for it to and why some hurts. Just don't go away, no matter how many times you've tried to move on. Whether you're the one who wants to talk things through right now, or the one who needs a little space before coming back to connect,

this episode is packed with takeaways that will help you navigate those fragile moments with more care and clarity. Let's get into it.

All right, [: 00:02:00

So thank you so much, Shannon, for being on coupled with today.

Shannon: Thank you, Rachel. I'm really delighted to be here and I have to admit that. Thinking about repairs is something I definitely geek out about. So I'm excited to be having this conversation with you.

Rachel: Well, it's really something that we need to be thinking about when we're in relationships and learning about, so that we can create that real deep repair that leaves us feeling closer to our partner instead of feeling that tinge of not being heard or understood or really important.

when there's been a miss or [: 00:03:00

Shannon: Um, I think it's such a great question. Um, I, I get the sense that most of us, um, both the people that I get to witness having these conversations in the room as well as certainly myself and in in the rest of life, a lot of what I think we're really looking for is that we wanna bring what didn't feel good and show it to the other person and feel like that has an impact on them.

Um, you know, to, to be able to say, Hey, I felt really hurt or disappointed, or, you know, the way that you handled that really let me down, and that the other person's first response can show us that. Our feelings matter to them, that, that just, that in and of itself is reassuring and shows us that they care about us.

of is, you know, like a kid [: 00:04:00

We can get right back on, you know, and somebody else is like, oh sweetie, let's get that knee cleaned up. It's okay. You know, we all make mistakes. But I think the initial thing is just feeling like the other person sees you and gets that that was hard and that they're touched by it and they care. Yeah.

And that's something that, when that happens, I feel like already it just like takes some of the tension out of the situation immediately.

Rachel: Our bodies really respond to that and our nervous system starts to deescalate and we feel calmer and more secure.

ir face, we hear it in their [: 00:05:00

Rachel: Absolutely. Why is it that some apologies seem to backfire and make things worse instead of better?

Shannon: Oh, there's so many reasons.

So many reasons. I think, um, I think one of the first ones is just if you are the person who's receiving some feedback or somebody's bringing up something upsetting, we are not realizing maybe like what that other person is really needing in the moment.

we don't want our partner to [: 00:06:00

Um, if we get distracted by those things, we totally miss that first part of showing, showing up and showing caring. And so, um, then they get this opposite feeling of like, oh, you don't like it when I bring things up, or you don't really care about my feelings. Um, and depending on how we respond when we're the one having the thing brought to us, you know, if we're trying to explain ourselves.

We are maybe trying to help them see like, oh, no harm was intended, but instead of it coming across as being reassuring, um, the o the other person generally receives it as kind of like dismissal or denial or minimizing. And so rather than feeling that their hurt is seen and cared for, they feel, um. It can be a little crazy making even, right?

hen we're kind of off to the [: 00:07:00

Rachel: Yeah, you're really describing in in different words than maybe I have before the cycle.

Right? Yeah. In other episodes and in other places that I've spoken about, I talk about this cycle of the pursuer and the withdrawer, or the anxious attachment and the avoidant attachment, and that really shows up in these circumstances.

Shannon: Yeah. It absolutely does. I feel like, um, I was, I was thinking about this a little bit in preparation.

I feel like I kind of see patterns over time and it often, like, I feel like I'll be seeing a few couples with kind of a similar theme at a time. And so, you know, there are the people who are dismissive, who seem kind of rushed or irritated that somebody's bringing it up and maybe underneath they're feeling like, oh, they're always.

Out to get me. [: 00:08:00

The partner wants so badly to show. I don't know why, but for a little while, I had several male partners in a row that would try to reassure their female partner. These were all straight couples in this instance. Um, so maybe she brings up something like, yeah, it just feels like. Whenever I bring this thing up, you, you don't hear me, and then I really feel like you don't care about me, and kind of like you don't even really want my preferences to be involved in the decision or whatever the issue was.

you so much and I absolutely [: 00:09:00

Rachel: Oh, that's so interesting.

Shannon: Yeah. And so like in that like. They're really trying to do a good thing. They're trying to be reassuring, but they're ending up talking more about how they wanna be seen as a partner or experienced as a partner, rather than attending to the miss that just happened that their partner is bringing up in the, now

Rachel: they're talking more about themselves than their partners.

So their partner ends up not being seen.

bring it up in the best way [: 00:10:00

Rachel: Oh yeah. So much extra work.

Shannon: So much extra work. And then of course he feels like here I am trying to show up and like be reassuring and I can't ever get it right or, you know, yeah, it's such a narrow landing strip. How could I ever get here?

Rachel: I see a lot of couples where one or both are kind of these high overachieving, perfectionist type people, which we see a lot in the Seattle area because of the tech boom.

Mm-hmm. And that I just can't get it right. I can't find the right words, they never hear it the way I intend. That comes up so much.

Shannon: Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. So I think, I guess in the end, what I hear is like or see a lot is. If our initial response is to somehow try to clarify and explain ourselves, then pretty much always it doesn't land.

wanted to just make myself a [: 00:11:00

Rachel: What do you find that is something that tends to surprise people when they're working on repairs?

Shannon: Hmm. Well, I think a big one is that. It seems like people often, I think there's like a couple of fears that we have when somebody gives us feedback. Um, and one of them is, uh, like I'm gonna have to really like grovel and just totally humble myself and take ownership for 10,000 things like nothing else will ever appease this person.

e morning. I'm really sorry. [: 00:12:00

Then, you know, maybe we're not ready to see our part yet. So I think another thing when I've had clients recognize like, oh, it's okay for me to say I hear that you're upset and I do care. I think I need to think about it for a few minutes. Like I wanna come back. But I'm, I'm a little wrapped up with my own feelings right now.

Can we come back to a little bit later, like when they develop enough trust in the relationship that that's possible, people often express just feeling so relieved that that's an option, that they don't have to do it perfectly in the moment.

many people that I work with [: 00:13:00

Shannon: mm-hmm

Rachel: and I agree with their perspective that I did something bad or I did it wrong.

Shannon: Mm-hmm.

Rachel: Then never gonna feel okay. And being able to say like, I actually just need a little bit of time to think about this.

Shannon: Mm-hmm.

Rachel: But I do

really care about what's going on for you Can really make all the difference.

Shannon: Yeah. Yeah. So I feel like in that way. At the end of the day, I feel like we are all having, we all get called to like greater self-awareness and if we're in tune enough to think like, wow, I'm feeling really defensive right now, or I'm feeling so stressed about something else that's happening, I can't really attend as well as I'd like to right now.

more trust in us that we're [: 00:14:00

Um, that so often happens where people kind of rush it and they're like, well, that's not what I meant, and I'm sorry you heard it that way and that you're so hurt about it. But, um, that wasn't what I was trying to do. And then like the tone, the pace, everything kind of shows like, I don't really want to hear about your experience.

I just wanna get out of feeling like I'm in trouble right now.

Rachel: Yeah, the, I'm sorry that you feel that way.

Shannon: Yes. Right. Versus I was thinking about, you know, like if somebody said, you know, when you did this or said that, you know, it really hurt me if we could be like, oh, oh my gosh, yes. I can see why that hurt you.

That was not what I meant. So different kind of the same general thing, but it's so much about the way of being that we come in that moment. And so that's where I think our self-awareness is really important. If we're not curious, we're not like at all interested in hearing what our partner is trying to bring to us.

It's a pretty good [: 00:15:00

Rachel: So true. I find with my clients, unless they already have that foundation built, that when you say, I'm sorry that you feel that way, the other person feels like they're getting blamed for their feelings.

Shannon: Yeah. Or like it's a little gaslighting like, oh, I'm so sorry you felt that.

Rachel: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So when we're thinking of what a real repair looks like, can you paint us a picture of what that might actually look like in a relationship?

Shannon: Yeah, I, um, I feel like I used to kind of wanna create one of those little, like, um, choose your own adventure flow charts.

ng before, I'd say the first [: 00:16:00

At least like an awareness of like, this is important and I wanna show up. Um, and so then being able to share, show caring in some way, whether that's the tone or the body language or something that shows like, I'm paying attention. You're telling me that I just really stepped on your foot. I wanna take my foot right off.

they had a really different, [: 00:17:00

Um, but I think when somebody hears us, I. Express a hurt, especially kind of a bigger moment, and they hear us and they kind of say like, oh, I'm sorry that you know that, that you were hurt, but we're not quite sure if they get what a big deal it was. Or if we don't feel like they've totally connected the dots on why it was problematic or challenging for the relationship, then we.

We may not walk away with a whole lot of reassurance that it's not gonna happen again. And I often see that that's another moment where the person bringing the, the hurt, um, might start then feeling like they've gotta kind of double down and really like bring all the data. Like tell their partner Exactly.

off and gives us a sense of [: 00:18:00

Um, and again, I think that's the thing of like being able to acknowledge and validate. Like I can see why it felt that way to you. You don't have to give them five paragraphs on what a terrible person you are for. Having said something that, that was a little bit thoughtless, but just being able to see like I can see why that was upsetting for you is reassuring that like you get it and you're not.

You're not brushing it off, you're not thinking that I'm making it too big of a deal. And so then we're relieved and we may not feel like we have to keep pushing for a bigger apology. That's super specific. Um, the final thing that I would say is, uh, I often see that when people are able to express. Some kind of regret like I wish I could have shown up differently.

that meant to you, I really [: 00:19:00

I'm sad that this has happened. And they don't have to include like, going down into the pit of shame, just more like regretting that, that an injury has happened.

Rachel: Absolutely. What about for situations where it might be a past hurt that is now coming back to light, or it's been a bigger rupture in some way?

? Mm-hmm. Haven't we already [: 00:20:00

Shannon: Yeah.

Yeah. And I feel like that can be so hard. 'cause that is where we feel like, oh my gosh, I have to do it exactly right, but somehow I'm never gonna get it right. And so it keeps coming up over and over. Um, this was actually one of the real gifts of emotion-focused therapy. For me, that was like such a revelation to understand that we can have these attachment wounds or ruptures that don't heal the way another one would.

And so this is sometimes we're going to see a therapist would help. And if it's okay, I actually would love to share. A story from my own family. I first learned about emotion focused therapy because my parents, who at that point had been married probably 45 years, um, kept having a cycle happen every few years.

t would come up whenever she [: 00:21:00

It was like my dad agreeing to have his parents come stay with them for six weeks when she had tiny kids. It was like way too big of an ass. And she felt like he prioritized what his parents wanted over her. You know, things like that where it wasn't like, um, a hugely traumatic thing to anyone else, but when she felt like she didn't matter in the moment, that would come roaring back with all the details.

Still 40 years later. Um, and so that's just an example. I just give that one 'cause it's not, you know, an affair, which seems a bit more obvious to most of us, but it just kept coming back and wouldn't heal. So when they went and saw someone who helped 'em understand about attachment injuries and helped 'em process it.

t eight years, which is like [: 00:22:00

Rachel: Yeah. Um, our body really remembers these moments where we felt disconnected and alone and unimportant. Mm-hmm.

Shannon: Exactly. Yeah. So, um, when I think about folks needing to process, um, some sort of a bigger wound like that, like just trying to, to identify first what it is or like, is this an attachment injury?

I would say if it comes up. Kind of out of the blue sometimes, sort of like an intrusive thought if it has a lot of raw emotions still attached to it, even though you've tried to process it a number of times. Um, and for some people they might even have physical sensations that come up, like feeling shaky.

hat it's probably something. [: 00:23:00

Rachel: That makes so much sense. What's something do you think people think helps but actually ends up pouring more gasoline on the fire and making things worse?

Shannon: Hmm. Yeah, that's a great one. Um, the first thing that comes to my mind is explaining ourselves.

Yeah. And I think I, I mean, you know, the more we work with folks, the more we get to see that there's always good intentions behind what people are doing. So I think a big one is that they're like, oh no, I wasn't trying to do that. Like, that's not what this was about at all. Um, but unfortunately, like when we're trying, when we rush to explain ourselves, um.

in feels like, oh, well, you [: 00:24:00

Trust that this isn't gonna keep happening. Um, so it's when we just try to explain things to smooth it over, we just desperately don't want our partner to get more upset. We don't want the rupture to get bigger. We unintentionally usually push our partner into feeling like they've gotta fight even harder for us to like really acknowledge, the damage that was done.

Almost always, unintentionally.

Rachel: And that's the way this cycle escalates so quickly.

Shannon: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

then have that reset in that [: 00:25:00

Shannon: Absolutely. Absolutely. So I think like as soon as, as soon as you find yourselves, um, getting louder and more emphatic, as soon as you notice that you can't possibly imagine any like validity in whatever your partner is trying to express about their experience from that moment, like great indications that it is time to pause.

I guess I would say a rushed apology generally makes things worse. Absolutely. If, if we're not sincere Right. Or if we're still annoyed or just trying to hurry it along. Like our bodies know when somebody is not actually expressing caring.

Rachel: Yeah. A genuine apology. Is the most important thing. If you can't be genuine in that, then don't apologize because it can just hurt even worse.

ink that's again, where it's [: 00:26:00

So I wanna do it better this time and I think, I think maybe I just need to think about it for a little while and come back to you later when I'm ready to like be more curious or open.

Rachel: I love that.

Shannon: I really think that's like the biggest gift we can give ourselves and the relationship in the moment.

Rachel: I know that situation happens with my clients all the time, so if anyone out there is listening, that is the line you wanna memorize.

Like, I really care about this. I'm feeling really frustrated. I'm having trouble, you know, not being defensive in this moment. I think I just really need some time to process what's going on.

Shannon: Yeah. Yeah. And I, I. I see generally, um, you know, sometimes it's hard, especially if you're a pursuer, to like let it slide or however, you know, you might see it in that moment.

But I do think [: 00:27:00

Rachel: Yeah, absolutely. When a couple takes a pause, I. What kind of boundaries do you suggest around those pauses? Mm. Because I've certainly seen clients where they pause until there is no emotion left attached to the situation. Mm-hmm. So that could be days. Yeah. Or other people who can't let it go for more than 10 minutes.

Right.

ish, like making the meal or [: 00:28:00

Like just getting out of each other's eyesight and not hearing each other I think can be really helpful. Um, I think, um, a really important thing is to just. Invite people to not then like start like venting to themself or someone else about it. Like if you wanna think it through, maybe asking yourself like, what am I, what am I feeling?

just means that your partner: 1000

Rachel: No.

That is not a real relationship conclusion. Oh. So,

about, like, it's important [: 00:29:00

Maybe it's listening to a podcast or, um. You know, completing another task that will feel good to you, that would be engaging. Maybe it's like getting some of the cuddle hormone oxytocin, like petting your cat or reading a book to one of your kids and having them sit on your lap. Um, just any of those things that can kind of disrupt it so that your body's no longer in the fight or flight mode.

kes sense about what they're [: 00:30:00

Am I open to seeing that maybe I could have handled something a little bit better myself in that last interaction? And once, once we have a little bit of that openness, then we're much more likely to have a better interaction the next time around instead of just re-triggering the whole thing and, and making ourselves feel even more hopeless and disconnected.

Rachel: I love that. That's a really good reflection. Can I step outside of myself when I go back to my partner to think about how this may have impacted them, how I may have been able to do something a little bit different in that moment? And also, how can I share with them a little bit more vulnerably what's going on with me right now?

why it felt so big to me is [: 00:31:00

Mm-hmm. Just being able to acknowledge a little bit more about what's happening internally for us. Um, helps our partner feel like we're not gonna say it's 100% their fault, and also, you know, just reminds them of our humanity and what we're also facing in the moment.

Rachel: Yeah.

Shannon: Yeah. I, the one other thought that popped into my head earlier, you asked like, what's something that surprises people?

I don't know if it surprised them or if it surprised me, but. Again, it was one of those things where I, I had like a repeated experience. I had two different, experiences within the same week, with a partner who had processed a hard thing and they're listening to their partner, having big feelings and,

r. And when I turned back to [: 00:32:00

Hmm. Like now I've got a bit more of an understanding of something that I have done, or like a, a word that I use that actually like, really makes things a lot harder in this dynamic. And so now I know that that's something that I can address myself. So. That's amazing. I'm empowered, like I have more options.

really feel that caring and [: 00:33:00

See that their experience while very different from ours also could make sense. Then I think we see those ways in which we could shift and like get to have more of the kind of connection that we're really wanting. That's so worth it.

Rachel: Yeah, and it's like they think that taking ownership for certain things, like saying a word that triggers their partner or saying things with a certain tone, if they take that ownership, it will confirm their partner's notion that they're this bad person and they need to take all the blame and they did it wrong.

Mm-hmm. But actually, when they take small ownerships, it encourages trust with their partner and their partner feels like they can let down their walls. And then also. hear how in that moment they might have impacted them.

lling to see their part and, [: 00:34:00

And just like, I, I don't know, it's kinda like finding the middle ground, like where we're not, we're not shaming ourselves and we're not blaming the other person, but we're just kind of naming what is and accepting that we're both. Really flawed humans that are learning and being pushed to grow by being in relationship with each other, then I think it really does inspire our partner to do the same and to kind of lean into that growth with us and and own their part.

Rachel: That's so true. So my last question for you today before we wrap up is, well, we've talked about so many things that are important around repair. If there is. One thing that somebody can do today to make a shift in how they actually start to repair with their partner, like they're listening to, to this and they're thinking, oh yeah, that's definitely me.

What's, what's one shift that they can start working on today that would have some high impact?

Shannon: Hmm. [: 00:35:00

Yes. But trying to really listen to like what is it, like, what is the feeling underneath this? What is the thing that didn't happen, right? Like. What is it that they're saying is so upsetting about this and trying to respond to that first, trying to, to kind of like, let go of the, the specifics and focus much more on like, okay, so.

What I'm hearing is you felt really let down by me in this moment.

Rachel: Mm-hmm.

t's just like, poof. Totally [: 00:36:00

And it's like, oh, you get it. Yeah. And so I think if we can try to listen for what the other person is feeling. Troubled about and, um, and focus on just reflecting that back to them and helping them know that that matters to us. That's, I think that's an incredible step towards reconnecting and rebuilding trust.

he show today and talk about [: 00:37:00

Shannon: Yeah. Well thank you so much for all the work that goes into creating these kinds of opportunities for us to get to discuss and for, anybody out there just wanting to learn a little bit more on how you can shift things a little bit in your own life and, and find ways to get to repair sooner.

'cause. Being stuck. Disconnected is not what any of us want. So yeah, thank you so much for this opportunity. It's been really delightful getting to visit with you, Rachel.

Rachel: There's so much I loved about this conversation with Shannon, but a couple of things especially stood out. First, the reminder that real repair isn't about groveling, rushing, or fixing everything perfectly in the moment. It's about presence. It's about your partner seeing in your body and your tone that you care about how they feel, even if you don't fully understand it yet.

And second, how [: 00:38:00

this can occur at any moment, especially during a vulnerable time when one partner reaches for connection and ends up feeling dismissed, abandoned, or emotionally unsafe. It doesn't have to be a big betrayal. Sometimes it's a repeated pattern or even a moment that seems small from the outside, but actually cuts them deep and it lingers.

That's why learning to repair is such a critical skill, not just to smooth things over, but to rebuild safety in the moments that matter most.

o something that'll help you [: 00:39:00

Stop reacting, start reconnecting, and finally change the pattern. You'll get short, powerful daily lessons straight to your inbox, and each one gives you a simple but meaningful shift to make real change even if your partner isn't on board. Yet, it's totally free, and you can sign up for it at my website, www.drrachelorleck.com, or just tap the link in the show notes.

ember, you don't have to get [: 00:40:00

That's it for today's episode of Coupled With. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to hit subscribe so you never miss what's next. And if you found it helpful, please share it with a friend or leave a quick rating and review. It really helps more than you know.

And if you're curious about how we might work together or want more resources to strengthen your relationship, head over to my website, www.drrachelorleck.com. You'll find free tools, podcast extras, and ways to go deeper. Thanks again for listening, and I'll see you next time.