Breaking Free from the Reactivity Trap

Breaking Free from the Reactivity Trap

[: 00:00:00

You know that feeling when you're right in the middle of a conversation with your partner and it's like something inside just snaps. One second. You're trying to stay calm. You're trying to be rational, you know you don't want to fight. And then boom, the words come flying out of your mouth before you can catch them.

Maybe it's sarcasm or anger. Maybe it's that sharp cutting tone you swore you wouldn't use again. You can feel your heart pounding in your chest. You can hear yourself getting louder and faster and harsher. And even as you're speaking, even as the words are coming out, there's this tiny voice inside of you, almost frantic.

ft standing in the wreckage. [: 00:01:00

You replay everything you said in your head. Over and over wishing you could rewind the clock, wishing you could unsay it, wishing you could be anyone but the person who lost it. And then comes the shame,

that deep, sickening voice that whispers what's wrong with you? Why can't you be normal? You're ruining everything good in your life.

If that's you, if you have ever stood in the middle of that emotional wreckage, feeling like you are your own worst enemy,

tner and you're not too much.[: 00:02:00

You are wired for connection. And when connection feels threatened, your body and your heart do what they were trained to do. Fight for survival, but survival isn't enough anymore. You deserve better. You deserve real connection with your partner and with yourself. And today we're going to take the first step towards that.

Let's start here. Reactivity isn't a flaw. It's a survival strategy. When you get reactive, when you snap, yell, criticize, or shut down, it's not because you're weak. It's not because you're mean, it's because your nervous system has detected a threat. And the worst part, most of the time, that threat isn't even fully happening in the present moment.

ghost. It's a ghost of every [: 00:03:00

Maybe it was the way your dad walked away from you mid-sentence when you were a kid. Maybe it was the way your mom's approval felt like a prize you just never could quite earn. Maybe it was the way you learned somewhere deep inside that being vulnerable only got you hurt. Whatever your story is, your body remembers.

It's not logical, it's biological.

When something your partner does even faintly echoes those old hurts, your body reacts like you're back there. Back in that childhood bedroom, back in that moment where love felt slippery and conditional, your muscles tense, your heart pounds. Your brain floods with cortisol and adrenaline, and suddenly.

You are no longer [: 00:04:00

And that protection. It worked once. It kept you safe, it helped you survive some very real pain. But now in your adult relationship, it's doing more harm than good because when your nervous system goes into battle, it pulls you out of connection. It takes you away from curiosity and empathy and vulnerability.

The very thing your relationship actually needs to thrive.

ing to plant a garden with a [: 00:05:00

Here's the hard truth nobody talks about. When reactivity becomes the norm, it quietly, painfully starts to corrode the foundation of your relationship. At first, it feels manageable. You argue, you apologize. You move on. Maybe even laugh it off afterwards, telling yourself. Oh, we just got into a fight because we love hard.

u can be calm enough to even [: 00:06:00

The arguments stop being about the actual issue and start being about how you argue. You start feeling like you're stuck in a movie. And you've seen that movie a hundred times. Same fight, different day, and the saddest part, both of you start protecting yourselves from each other instead of reaching for each other.

I once worked with a client who described it like this. They lived on opposite sides of this glass wall. They can see their partner, they can love their partner, but every time they try to get close, it's like there's an invisible barrier. They just couldn't get through without hurting each other. And that's exactly what reactivity does.

nd the person you love most. [: 00:07:00

It keeps out love and laughter and warmth. Understanding, tenderness and intimacy.

And without those things, your relationship starts to starve. Not all at once, but slowly. Day by day, a little heartbreak by a little heartbreak. Until one day you realize you're lonelier inside the relationship than you were before you ever met them.

when you feel unsafe without [: 00:08:00

but now, now you have a chance to choose a different way. Because the truth is that love isn't built by being the most right or the least reactive. It's built by being the most willing to come back to the connection again and again and again after the rupture. It's built by softening the walls, by learning to breathe in the fear, by choosing presence over protection.

And that is absolutely within your reach.

verything we've said so far. [: 00:09:00

Shame, withdraw, repeat. You can change this and not by becoming someone else, not by suppressing all your feelings,

not by being better at hiding your hurt, you can change it by learning how to stay with yourself when the fear hits, you can change it by learning to feel the storm coming and instead of being swept away by it, you anchor yourself. You can change it by learning to trust that even if your heart pounds, if your stomach churns, even if your voice trembles, you can still survive the discomfort.

gine something for a second. [: 00:10:00

But this time something different happens. This time, instead of reacting immediately, you catch it. You notice the way your fists are clenching. You notice the way your breathing has gotten shallow, and instead of pushing through it, instead of bulldozing over your own fear, you pause. You press your feet into the ground, you unc unclench your hands, wiggle your fingers.

ou to do the exact opposite. [: 00:11:00

Maybe you even say out loud, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I need a second to catch my breath so I can stay with you. Can you feel how different that is? Instead of the panic escalating, you bring yourself back into connection. You buy yourself a few seconds, just enough to stay grounded. To stay you instead of letting the fear take the wheel and those few seconds change everything because the more you practice pausing in the heat of the moment, the more you teach your nervous system.

revolution. Is how you start [: 00:12:00

Let's slow it down together because once you can see the cycle clearly, you can finally start to change it. I want you to imagine you're standing in your kitchen. It's a regular Tuesday night. You're tired, dinner's half cooked, your partner walks in, distracted, barely glances at you and makes a comment that hits you sideways.

ur defenses. It's not really [: 00:13:00

Pointing that old fear. The fear of being inadequate, unloved, unseen, springs awake like it's been waiting for an excuse. The system floods with that signal. And then two, there's an emotional flash flood. Your heart starts pounding. Your stomach twists. Maybe your face flushes hot

Anger rising like a tidal wave that you can't outrun. Your body is preparing for battle, not because you hate your partner, but because you feel threatened by what that means about you. And then three protective action before you even realize it. The words are flying out of your mouth. Seriously. All you ever do is point out what I didn't do.

you try doing everything for [: 00:14:00

Maybe your voice gets louder. Maybe you slam a cabinet door, maybe you cut them off when they try to answer. It is like this powerful emotional freight train. Once it starts rolling, it's almost impossible to stop and inside. A deeper fear is whispering. If I don't fight for myself right now, no one will.

And then there's your partner's reaction. Your partner, recoils, maybe they get defensive. Whoa, calm down. It was just a question. Maybe they shut down completely. They go silent, withdraw and pull away. And when that happens, it confirms the story. Your brain already feared. I'm too much. They don't wanna be close to me.

creeping in even before the [: 00:15:00

Maybe you're lying awake in bed. And you replay after replay, after replay, what happened? You beat yourself up. Why did I have to make such a big deal of the laundry? Why can't I just stay calm? Maybe I am impossible to love. You feel disconnected, ashamed, and alone. And the worst part, you promise yourself again that next time it's gonna be different.

But unless you learn to interrupt this cycle earlier, you're trapped inside it.

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When you say something is unfair, what it actually means deeper inside, they don't get to see that part of you.

But unless you learn to interrupt the cycle earlier, you get trapped inside it. They'll never know. And it's not because you're weak. It's not because you don't care, because no one ever taught you how to read the red flags. Your body was waving before the storm hit.

ored. They are early warning [: 00:17:00

Please slow down. Anchor yourself. Choose differently. And the more you learn to notice those signs,

the more power you have to change the ending of your story. It's not by muscling through it,

you need to learn to work with your body, not against it. By honoring your fear, instead of being ruled by it,

by realizing you don't have to attack, defend, or disappear when you feel scared. You can stay here, you can breathe, you can connect.

eal trust grows and intimacy [: 00:18:00

where love becomes resilient instead of fragile is where it happens in the repair. When you get reactive, because you will, sometimes the most important question isn't, how do I make sure I never screw up again? It's how will I show up after the rupture to rebuild the bridge? Because rupture without repair breeds resentment, but rupture with repair.

It breeds closeness and tenderness and a kind of trust that says. Even when it gets hard, you're still my person. When we mess up, we can find our way back to each other. So what does real repair look like?

It's not dramatic or grandiose. It's not a three page apology letter. Unless that's actually what's needed.

cific. So here's an example. [: 00:19:00

I wanna try again if you're willing. Here's the third example. I noticed. I got defensive. Instead of staying curious, you were trying to connect with me and I shut the door. That's on me. Thank you for sticking with me, even when I made it hard. Do you notice the pattern here? You name your action, not your intentions, your actions.

you stay present. Don't get [: 00:20:00

Because self-flagellation isn't repair, defensiveness isn't repair, minimizing. Isn't repair. Repair is about coming back to the truth that

we both matter. Our feelings both matter. Our bond matters enough to fight for it, not just with each other. I. So here's a quick tip. If you're flooded with shame and struggling to even open your mouth, start with something simple. I'm feeling a lot right now and I know I wanna reconnect. Can we slow this down together?

[: 00:21:00

All right. We've talked about why reactivity happens. We've walked through the pain it creates.

We've seen the hope that it can change, and we've talked about how repair can rebuild trust. But you might still be thinking, okay, Rachel, but in the actual moment, what the hell do I do? And I've got you. Here are five real doable steps that you can start practicing today. We are gonna talk about examples and emotional grounding and start to begin shifting out of reactivity and into connection.

ack your early warning signs [: 00:22:00

The sooner you catch these signs, the sooner you can slow down.

For example, my stomach always feels like it gets twisted and my shoulders start to rise up to my ears. Those are my early warning signs.

Imagine it like seeing dark clouds before the thunderstorm. If you see it early, you can grab an umbrella before you're drenched, otherwise you get soaked.

late, pause and ask, what am [: 00:23:00

So usually underneath the anger, the defensiveness, and the criticism, there's fear. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of being unseen. Fear of being unloved. If you can name the fear even silently to yourself, you break the automatic chain of the reaction. You move from reactor to responder. Step three, practice the ten second pause.

ess and breathe. I know that [: 00:24:00

So count it in your head if you have to. 10 slow seconds to give your nervous system a chance to reset and to choose a different path. And choosing differently, even once starts to rewire everything. Step four is choosing connection over being, right? One of my professors in graduate school used to use the saying, would you rather be happy or right because you often don't get both in a relationship. In the heat of the moment, your brain is gonna try to convince you. If I just argue a little bit louder, better, smarter, [00:25:00] I'll win, and then I'll feel safe. But the truth is that winning that argument usually costs you big in the connection department.

Instead, ask yourself.

What matters more here? Being right or staying connected? Being close to my partner. Sometimes staying connected means pausing the fight. Sometimes it means softening your voice. Sometimes it can mean offering a repair even when you are still hurting. You are not giving up your worth. When you choose connection, you're actually protecting it.

you're in the middle of the [: 00:26:00

Every time you catch yourself, every time you go back for repair, and every time you stay. When your fear screams run, you are building a new future. You are changing the story and you are worthy of deep unshakeable love. Even on your worst days.

Okay, so here's a quick recap. Track your early warning signs. Name the fear underneath, pause for your 10 seconds, and give yourself a reset. Choose connection over being right. Practice relentless self-compassion.

ou to hear me loud and clear [: 00:27:00

You are a human being wired for connection and doing your damnedest to protect a heart that has been hurt before. And that protection, it makes sense, and you don't have to live trapped inside it. You can build a relationship where safety doesn't come from attacking or withdrawing. It comes from staying present, from staying soft and staying connected to yourself and to your partner, even when it's hard.

And the fact that you're even here listening and learning and trying,

willing, and you are, you're [: 00:28:00

Am so proud of you for doing this work. You're not alone. You're on the path,

And I'll meet you right back here next week.