Episode 9
When You’re the One Who’s Been Hurt: Learning to Love Without Losing Yourself
You want love. You have love.
But sometimes… closeness still feels like a threat.
You shut down. You lash out. You say you’re fine—but inside, your system is bracing for the worst.
This episode is for the partner with trauma—the one who’s been through things that made love feel unsafe. The one who’s still learning how to trust connection without losing control.
In part two of this two-part series, Dr. Rachel Orleck flips the lens inward and speaks directly to you—the one with the deeper wounds. With equal parts truth and tenderness, she unpacks how trauma hijacks connection, what your protectors are trying to do for you, and how to start taking small emotional risks that build safety without overwhelming your nervous system.
Whether you’re trying to repair a cycle, rebuild closeness, or just understand yourself better—this is your episode.
🧠 What You’ll Learn:
- Why trauma shows up strongest when you’re finally safe
- How protectors like withdrawal, perfectionism, and people-pleasing silently block connection
- The emotional toll this cycle takes on your partner (and how to hear that without shame)
- Practical, small emotional risks you can take to feel close without feeling exposed
- Why you don’t need to be fully healed to love well—you just need to stay in the room
💌 Mentioned in the Episode:
Free 7-Day Course: Break the Cycle: 7 Days to Stop the Same Fight and Rebuild Connection
Get daily insights + doable practices to shift the dynamic between you and your partner—no pressure, no perfection required.
🙌 Share This Episode With:
- A partner who doesn’t understand why you react the way you do
- A therapist or coach who supports people navigating trauma in relationships
- Yourself—again. Especially on the days you think you’re “too much”
🔁 Missed Part One?
Go back and listen to from last week:
“Loving Someone Who’s Been Hurt: Navigating Relationships After Relational Trauma”
Transcript
Untitled
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[:Rachel: You're listening to Coupled With, the podcast that helps you take the guesswork out of feeling seen, heard, and valued in your relationship.
If you've ever felt stuck in the same arguments, struggled to stay connected, or wondered how to better communicate with your partner, you're in the right place.
I'm Dr. Rachel Orleck, a couples therapist and coach, and together, we're going to make relationships make sense. Let's dive in.
when you're definitely not, [:It shows up, especially when you're safe. When someone sees you, stays with you, loves you, well, that's when your system panics. Can I really trust this? When is the other shoe going to drop? What if I open up and I get hurt all over again? This week's episode is for you, the partner with the deeper wounds, the one who's been through things you often don't wanna talk about, who's still learning what it means to be safe with another person, not just safe from them.
ection, not fixing yourself, [:This time I'm talking to you, so let's get into it.
Relational trauma isn't just bad relationships. It's about what your nervous system learned to expect in love. Maybe you grew up with a parent who exploded over small things, or one who went quiet for days leaving you guessing maybe you were wrong. Yeah, maybe you were told your emotions were too much, that your needs were a burden.
e little moments that taught [:That's not weakness, that's not drama. That's your nervous system, doing what it learned to do to protect you. But here's where it starts to get kind of complicated, because the strategies that once kept you safe.
They can quietly sabotage the closeness you actually want now. Let me share a story I've seen many versions of over the years, some in client work, and even some in my own life. So someone in a long-term relationship comes into therapy because they're exhausted, not from their partner, but from themself saying things like.
n't know why I keep shutting [:Because trauma says, don't need too much. Don't get too close. Don't show them all of you, or they're gonna leave. Or worse, they'll stay and hurt you even more. And even when your partner is calm, steady, and safe, your body remembers the moments that weren't so you might withdraw. When conflict starts numb out during sex or intimacy.
closeness, like they're just [:Relational trauma doesn't mean you are doomed. It just means you learned love a different way, and now you have to learn it again in real time with someone who actually sees you. So let's talk about the moment where things start to go sideways.
You're having a normal conversation, maybe even a good one, and then something shifts. Your partner's tone changes or they look or say something that feels a little off. And before your brain can even catch up, your body reacts. Your chest tightens, your jaw clenches, your heart rate picks up and you go cold or hot or blank.
be you go completely silent. [:Or if I disappear emotionally, no one can abandon me. If I keep control, I'm not gonna get blindsided.
et me give you some examples [:You'd rather start the conflict, then wait to be hurt by it, or you escalate as a way to signal to yourself that your partner is still in it and with you and cares. But your partner experiences it as intensity or attack,
and then there's the vanish. You go quiet, you freeze, you tell yourself you're processing, but really you're disappearing because speaking your needs or feelings feels really dangerous, and it always has. You don't know how to stay present and vulnerable at the same time. Maybe you are the performer.
nce. You read your partner's [:So you stick to logic, but your partner is left wondering. Do they actually feel anything at all? And you might actually be the perfectionist. You try to be the ideal partner. You keep the peace, you avoid conflict by anticipating every need, fixing the problems before they even happen, so they don't escalate at all.
Being there are three steps ahead.
ty traits. Their adaptations [:Not because you're doing anything wrong, but because connection requires presence and trauma. Trained protectors tend to be really good at getting you out of the present. One client I work with said that they didn't even realize they were testing their partner. They'd always just pull away and see if he would follow and if he didn't, they tell themself.
utcome you fear just to feel [:You are not broken. You are trying to feel safe in the only way that you know how. And here's the good news. Your patterns aren't set in stone. They're just well practiced, and you can learn new ones slowly, gently in a relationship with someone who's willing to go there with you. So we're gonna talk about what this actually looks like in real life, because healing isn't about being perfectly regulated or never getting triggered again.
It's about learning how to recognize your protective moves and choose something different, something truer
when connection matters more than control.
Let's talk about something [:Sometimes you already worry you're too much or too cold, or not emotionally available enough. So let me be clear upfront. I'm not blaming you. This is about repair because understanding how your trauma shows up for your partner isn't about guilt. It's about being in the kind of relationship you actually want.
ver closeness. So let's name [:Because they don't wanna overwhelm you. These are things that I deal with in my relationship every day, and the truth is that our partners love us deeply, but they may also feel lonely or confused or like no matter how gently they try to reach for you, they just get met with distance, defensiveness, or shutdown.
I've sat with many partners who say, I just wanna feel chosen, or I'm constantly trying to prove that I'm not this bad guy.
[:There are times that I just want to let my husband in. I really do. But sometimes it's like there's a wall that I don't even remember building, and that's really what makes this work so frustrating. The very things you do to protect your heart are often the things that make your partner feel shut out, and then you feel ashamed.
round and round. This cycle [:As you may have gathered, I've been on both sides of this. There have been many times in my marriage when I've just felt so activated, so raw and on edge from things outside of our relationship that end up playing out inside our relationship, and I become really emotionally unavailable. I pull away without meaning to,
I get cold when what I really want is comfort, but I don't know how to let that comfort in. I don't trust it. And my husband, he's steady, he's kind and he's human. But there comes a point where there's only so much that he can take
without feeling like I'm just shutting him out completely. And when I hear that, it guts me.
ything wrong. It's because I [:You know, when we have those moments where he and I talk and we're able to notice what's happening, it doesn't fix everything. But it shifts something. It makes me ask myself, what do I want? More control or connection? And that's the question I wanna offer you now, because you can't undo the past. You can't erase the ways your body learned to protect you, but you can start choosing differently.
You can start noticing when you're about to shut down and say. Wow. This feels really hard for me right now, but I don't wanna disappear.
ke room for their needs too. [:So let's talk about how this actually looks. How to take small, doable emotional risks so they don't overwhelm your system, but start building the trust that you crave both in them and in yourself. You don't have to leap, you just have to start moving toward.
So here's the part where your brain might start screaming, okay, I'm fine. I get it. But how? How do you take risks when everything in your body says, protect and pull back and don't you dare get hurt again? The answer, you don't bulldoze through the fear, you get curious about it, and then you take one small step anyway.
uild a new relationship with [:Number one, narrate. Don't perform. You don't have to be perfectly regulated when you speak. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is simply name what's happening inside of you, even if you don't know what to do with it yet, instead of disappearing or snapping, try something about, this is making me shut down and I'm not sure why, or my first instinct is to walk away right now, but I'm trying to stay in it.
here. These are tiny acts of [:Then we can move on to step two. You own your own patterns without shame. You don't have to solve them all right now, but you can start to own your part in the cycle. Try saying something like, I know I tend to get quiet when I feel overwhelmed. I don't wanna make you feel like I'm pushing you away, or sometimes I test closeness because I'm scared it's not gonna last.
rs sooner. Your old survival [:You're still wanted. So start with something like that didn't go the way I hoped. Can we try again? Or
I pulled away earlier because I was overwhelmed, but I don't wanna stay disconnected.
Repairs really don't have to be eloquent. They just have to be real and honest. And the more you practice returning, coming back even awkwardly, the more your body learns. That closeness doesn't equal danger anymore.
en though your gut says shut [:Pause and say, whoa, that was hard and I did it anyway. Better yet, let your partner reflect that back to you. You deserve to feel your own growth, not just track it. This work isn't linear. Some days you'll do all the things, and then other days when you're in survival mode, it's gonna take the wheel again.
But that doesn't mean you're failing. It means you're learning and rewiring and you're choosing something new. It's one breath, one conversation, one risk at a time. And the truth is you don't have to be fully healed to love well. You just have to be honest about your humanity and willing to keep showing up even when it's messy.
u rush back into the rest of [:and those are the parts of you that are finally starting to wonder if there might be another way.
So let's anchor this in a few final truths. You are not too much. You are not broken, and you are not hard to love. You are someone who survived what wasn't safe, and now you're learning how to live and love differently. That deserves recognition, not shame, not pressure, and not another list of things you should have done better.
ou, even when your system is [:Let it become a conversation.
Forward it to your partner, not as a confession, not as a plea, not as a way to criticize, but as an invitation.
This helped me understand myself a little bit more. I'd love for you to hear it too. Or you can go one step further. You can grab my free seven day email course. It's called Break The Cycle If you haven't already. It walks you through short daily insights and practices to help you stop the same painful fight from playing out again and again.
right. You can find it at my [:you are not failing. You're learning, you're growing, and love doesn't require you to be perfect.
It just asks you to stay in the room as yourself, even when it's hard. Maybe, especially when it's hard.
Thanks for being here with me today, and I'll see you next time.
That's it for today's episode of Coupled With. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to hit subscribe so you never miss what's next. And if you found it helpful, please share it with a friend or leave a quick rating and review. It really helps more than you know.
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