Loving Someone Who’s Been Hurt: Navigating Relationships After Relational Trauma

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Rachel: You're listening to Coupled With, the podcast that helps you take the guesswork out of feeling seen, heard, and valued in your relationship.

If you've ever felt stuck in the same arguments, struggled to stay connected, or wondered how to better communicate with your partner, you're in the right place.

I'm Dr. Rachel Orleck, a couples therapist and coach, and together, we're going to make relationships make sense. Let's dive in.

m that says, don't trust too [: 00:01:00

Maybe they were in a past relationship where affection came with strings attached, where love meant control or betrayal or walking on eggshells every damn day, and now they're here with you and you know they love you. But sometimes it's like no matter how safe you try to be, no matter how patient or consistent, it's never quite enough to quiet the alarm bells that are still going off in their body.

scream, they just shut down. [: 00:02:00

And here's the thing, nobody tells you. When you fall in love with somebody who's been relationally hurt, you can love them deeply, fiercely, and tenderly, and still end up in a cycle where you are the one feeling punished for pain you didn't cause. So in today's episode, I wanna talk to the partners, the ones loving, the person who's been hurt.

We're gonna break down what's actually happening in these trauma driven dynamics. Why you keep ending up with the same arguments or disconnects and how you can show up with compassion without erasing yourself.

g the traumatized partner or [: 00:03:00

This is about truth telling because when trauma is running the show, both people get hurt and both people deserve better than walking on eggshells. So let's dig in.

So first things first. What are we actually talking about when we say relational trauma? Because this isn't just about abuse or dramatic betrayals. Relational trauma can come from anything that may feel unsafe. It can be inconsistent parenting.

A partner who used affection as a weapon, a family where vulnerability got punished or simply ignored. Relational trauma teaches you that closeness equals danger, that people are unpredictable, that you are too much or not enough, that you have to earn love by being perfect, accommodating, invisible, or strong.

And here's what that looks like in real time inside a relationship,

they might [: 00:04:00

Or they might preemptively shut down to avoid being hurt, checking out, getting quiet, saying they're fine when they're absolutely not. They might test your love by pulling away just to see if you'll follow, or they might escalate arguments to create distance before you can. This stuff isn't always loud.

In fact, a lot of the time it's incredibly subtle. It looks like brushing off compliments, dismissing your care, holding onto control of everything in the relationship, because surrendering even a little bit, feels like standing at the edge of a cliff with no railing. And here's the hardest part, if you're the partner on the receiving end, they don't want to do this.

They don't mean to hurt you. They often don't even know that they're doing it.

Their [: 00:05:00

This is why their system is constantly preparing for abandonment or betrayal, even when there's no clear reason. And no matter how many times you say, I'm here, I'm not your ex. I'm not your parent. I love you. The trauma brain doesn't hear words. It hears tone. It watches for behavior. It tracks consistency, which means love, no matter how real has to feel safe before it can feel good.

t feel safe, they'll protect [: 00:06:00

So let's talk about what happens next when trauma gets activated in a relationship, and neither of you quite know what's going on.

Because here's the truth, even the most loving relationship can start to feel like a minefield when trauma enters the cycle. Not because either person is bad, but because you're both trying to protect something sacred.

k in and they say, it's fine.[: 00:07:00

I just need space, but their tone is cold, flat, and final. You wanna respect that, so you back off, but now you're sitting with the ache. You start wondering, did I push too hard? Are they mad at me? Are they pulling away again? So now your nervous system gets activated. You feel anxious, maybe even rejected.

Maybe this keeps happening, and you've started to believe that anytime there's a rupture, it's up to you to fix it. So eventually you try to reengage. You soften your voice, you reach out with a tender, Hey, can we talk about what just happened? And maybe they snap or they look away, or they say, why do you always need to talk everything to death?

Now you are hurt.

e being punished for wanting [: 00:08:00

and their trauma brain lights up again. See, I knew I couldn't trust this. I knew they'd pull away. And just like that, you're both sitting on opposite ends of the couch. Physically close, but emotionally miles apart. That's the trauma cycle.

It's sneaky, it's sticky, and if you don't name it, it starts to feel personal, like you're incompatible or you're failing each other.

don't depend on anyone. It's [: 00:09:00

You pursue, or they lash out and you recoil. And round and round you go, here's what I need you to hear. This cycle is not your fault, but it is your responsibility

not in the, you need to fix this kind of way in the, this is the work of real love kind of way. Because here's the thing about relational trauma. It teaches people that relationships are unsafe. And then it creates the conditions to prove itself, right? And unless both people can start seeing the cycle as the enemy not each other, you will stay stuck.

I've worked [: 00:10:00

The other partner feels like they're broken or too much or impossible to love, and they keep waiting for the moment. Their partner gives up so much quiet suffering and so much bracing, and no one is saying the one thing that could actually help break the loop. "I think we're both protecting ourselves from something painful.

me to us versus the pattern. [: 00:11:00

not when the trauma disappears. But it's when both people stop making the cycle personal and start making it conscious.

Let's start talking about you for a minute, because loving someone with relational trauma isn't just hard. It's confusing and lonely, and sometimes it makes you question your own reality. You start second guessing yourself. You wonder if you're being too much or not enough. You walk around constantly checking your tone, your words, and your energy, trying to be calming, soft and steady, even when you're screaming inside and while you're doing all of that emotional work to keep things safe for them. A quiet truth starts building up inside of you. But who's making it safe for me?

g one in the relationship is [: 00:12:00

And the worst part, you feel guilty for feeling this way because you know your partner's been through things, you know they're doing their best. You know, they don't mean to shut you out or lash out, or pull away.

So instead of naming your own pain, you swallow it. You make excuses. You say things like they just need time. They don't feel safe yet. It's not personal. I should be more patient. I knew this was part of their story,

nd consistency and closeness [: 00:13:00

You're not a bad partner for feeling resentment bubble up when your care keeps getting blocked or dismissed. Those feelings don't make you unkind. They just make you human. I've worked with so many partners in this position who say things like, I just wanna feel like they see what I'm giving. It's like I'm always trying to prove I'm not the enemy and they still don't believe me.

lone and you're not failing. [: 00:14:00

But over time, if you're not careful, you disappear in the process. And that person that you've been trying so hard to love, they can't feel you anymore.

Not because you're doing something wrong, but because you're trying to be safe and you stop being real. You stop letting your own needs breathe. You stop bringing you into the relationship. Your quirks and your humor, your emotional edges and your raw moments. You became careful.

in this pattern, let's name [: 00:15:00

You wanna be honest about your feelings and you're terrified. They'll take it as criticism or abandonment. You want to stay and you don't wanna lose yourself in the process. This is the crossroads that so many partners reach. And it's not solved by being nicer or more patient or learning how to say things perfectly.

it also takes compassion for [: 00:16:00

They fell in love with you, and the greatest gift you can give them, maybe even more than your patience. Is your authenticity. You're allowed to be frustrated. You're allowed to ask for closeness. You're allowed to say, I want to feel wanted too. That's not demanding. That's being in a relationship.

And this is where we wanna start to rebuild how to love someone with compassion without walking on eggshells. How to attune without over-functioning and how to stay connected to your partner and yourself in the process.

he cycle. We've acknowledged [: 00:17:00

How do you help them feel safe without holding your breath every time the mood shifts? How do you walk with their trauma without walking on eggshells? Let's break this down. Step one, recenter your own nervous system first. This is non-negotiable. If your partner's trauma gets activated and your nervous system follows it straight off a cliff, the whole relationship gets hijacked.

n with yourself when tension [: 00:18:00

What do I need right now?

Because if your only goal is, don't make things worse, you'll end up shrinking yourself to avoid conflict, and that is not a sustainable love story. Staying grounded doesn't mean staying silent. It means coming back to center, getting honest about what's yours, and choosing how you respond on purpose, not out of fear.

p two is know the difference [: 00:19:00

Some of you listening are thinking you've made attunement your Olympic sport. You are hyper aware of your partner's moods, needs, and micro expressions. You jumped into soothe, smooth fix and preempt. You know how to say the right thing in the right tone at the right time, and you do it even when you're hurting.

Even when you're spent because you want to be safe, but that's not attunement. That's over-functioning in the relationship. Attunement is mutual. It leaves room for your emotional experience too. Over-functioning. Says if I do everything right, maybe they won't get triggered. It's fear in a nurturing costume.

you tell the difference? Try [: 00:20:00

Please don't be upset. Okay. Okay. Nevermind. Forget I said anything or you're right. I messed up again. I just want this to feel okay.

Do you see the difference attunement holds? Both people with care over-functioning, cancels one person to save the other.

have pain. You are not their [: 00:21:00

So that brings us to number three. Stay soft without collapsing. There's a middle ground between being defensive and disappearing, and it's what I call firm softness. It sounds like, I know this brought up something for you and I wanna work through it with you, but I also wanna be honest. When you shut down like that, it hurts.

I feel alone, and I want us to feel close again. This is not about blaming them. It's about truth with warmth. It's about letting your partner into your emotional world so they don't just see themselves through your eyes. They see you too.

n you speak from this place, [: 00:22:00

It's built on showing up with consistency, honesty, and care, even when things get uncomfortable.

ion because perfection feels [: 00:23:00

But healing happens when you stay real and keep showing up. So give yourself permission to be the loving, tender, flawed partner that you are, because the goal isn't to manage your partner's trauma. The goal is to stay connected through it without abandoning either of you and the connection, it starts with compassion.

It deepens with boundaries, and it lasts when both of you stop playing defense and actually start building something new.

What it can look like. We'll explore how you can support their healing without doing it for them, and how to encourage those small moments of emotional risk that bring the relationship. Back to life because it's not enough to avoid re-traumatizing them.

nnected on purpose. So let's [: 00:24:00

Because loving someone with relational trauma doesn't mean you have to become a trauma expert. It means learning how to offer tiny moments of safety over and over again . And that begins with small shifts, not grand gestures, not perfectly worded speeches, but small repeated signals that say, I'm not your enemy.

I'm here. You're allowed to feel what you feel, and so am I. Let's walk through some of those shifts and how they work in the heat of real relationship moments. So regulate first, relate second. Your partner's trauma is going to tempt you to jump into logic mode. That's not what I meant. You're taking it wrong.

r nervous system has to come [: 00:25:00

Slow your speech, lower your volume. Relax your shoulders. Make your body safe to be near. Then gently offer connection. Hey, I can feel something shifted. Wanna take a beat together or we don't have to fix this right now. We can sit close and just breathe for a second.

These aren't lines to perform. They're moments of attunement and they will not work like magic, but done consistently. They start to chip away at the belief that closeness means danger.

ng to acknowledge their pain [: 00:26:00

Instead, try something like, I can see this brought something up for you. And it's so hard for me when I feel pushed away. I want us to find each other in this. What does this do? It does three things. It validates their experience, which deescalates their system. It shares your emotional reality, which invites connection, and it points towards repair instead of assigning blame.

he other to be wrong. Secure [: 00:27:00

No, no, no. That's not true. You're amazing. You don't need to feel that way. You're overreacting. I already told you I'm not leaving. Your heart is in the right place and you're trying to help. But here's the thing. Trauma doesn't need correction. It needs companionship. What you're actually doing in those moments is dismissing what they're experiencing in their body.

oud right now, I'm not going [: 00:28:00

Can I fall apart and still be loved? If the answer is yes, that's where healing begins.

You wanna keep in mind that their bodies are doing exactly the right thing to keep them safe. It doesn't mean that they need to do that with you, but they do need to do that and have that work acknowledged rather than dismissed.

k. They're not ultimatums or [: 00:29:00

Let's say your partner tends to shut down during conflict after a calm moment. You might say, I noticed you got really quiet earlier. I'm wondering what was happening inside you. If you ever wanna share, I'm here, or I miss hearing what you really feel. Not just what's safe to say. I know it's scary, and I want you to know I can hold it with you.

These aren't one-time conversations. They're the scaffolding for something new. And when your partner does take a risk by staying in the room by softening their tone or by trying to repair, please notice it, name it, reinforce it.

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to come towards you again if [: 00:31:00

So what you can say is, that was hard and you stayed with me. I really felt that. Thank you for telling me what you were feeling. It helps me feel closer to you. I know that wasn't easy. I see the effort you're making.

And finally, you wanna be consistent, but you don't have to be perfect. Listen, this is the part that can feel frustrating as hell, especially when you're doing the work and there are still bracing for pain, but healing doesn't happen in breakthroughs. It happens in these micro moments repeated consistently.

When they expect withdrawal, [: 00:32:00

And this is the beautiful thing. The more they learn to start to trust you, the more they learn to trust themselves in love. That's the transformation, that's the healing arc where you both get to be part of.

You don't have to fix the past to rebuild something beautiful Now. You just have to stop reenacting the past.

finally about yourself too. [: 00:33:00

It's a relationship and relationships are mutual. They require care that flows both ways. Even if one partner's wounds are louder, and even if the trauma is complicated and the cycle has gone on for years, you still get to matter. Let me say that again. In case your nervous system needs to hear it loud and clear, you still get to matter, and the goal here is not to become trauma proof.

an fear and more honest than [: 00:34:00

it won't always be smooth, but it can be real and safe and worth it. This is what I want you to walk away with today. The cycle isn't personal, it's protective. If you can name it, you can also interrupt it,

and compassion doesn't require you to erase yourself. You can deeply love and still have needs. You don't need perfect words, just honest, regulated presence, especially in the moments when it would just be easier to shut down. Healing is slow. But it is possible when people show up, not perfectly, but consistently, it rewires what love feels like.

ing, and I still feel alone. [: 00:35:00

That's a lack of accountability and no amount of compassion can compensate for someone who refuses to grow. So part of your healing may be asking. Am I loving them in the way they need, or am I abandoning myself in the process? Only you can answer that, but don't answer it alone.

en day email course just for [: 00:36:00

I. It walks you through a daily insight and small doable practices to shift your part of the pattern and rebuild emotional safety. It's short, clear, and designed to make you feel empowered, not overwhelmed. You can find it at www.drrachelorleck.com or in the link in my show notes, and if you think your partner might benefit from hearing this episode.

Take a risk and share it with them, not as a weapon to say that they're doing something wrong, but as a invitation to have more conversation. Hey, this made me feel really seen. I'd love for you to hear it too, because sometimes the hardest part of healing is actually believing you're allowed to want more, and you are.

k we're gonna flip the lens. [: 00:37:00

then you don't wanna miss it.

I'm gonna be talking to you directly. No shame, no pathologizing. Just truth, hope, and practical guidance for how to take tiny, brave steps back into connection without abandoning yourself. It's going to be raw, real, and possibly the beginning of something new. Until then, take care of yourself. You're not broken.

You're not failing. You're just learning to love in a world that didn't teach you how, but we're here to change that one conversation at a time.

for spending this time with [: 00:38:00

And if you're curious about how we might work together or want more resources to strengthen your relationship, head over to my website, www.drrachelorleck.com. You'll find free tools, podcast extras, and ways to go deeper. Thanks again for listening, and I'll see you next time.