Episode 6
Why We Blame — and How to Break the Cycle for Deeper Connection
Blame feels powerful in the moment.
It gives us a sense of control, a sense of righteousness — but it also creates the very disconnection we’re trying to avoid.
In this episode, we’re taking a brutally honest and compassionate look at blame:
why we do it, how it protects us, and how it slowly erodes trust, intimacy, and emotional safety in relationships.
If you ever find yourself thinking:
- “Why am I always the one who cares more?”
- “If they just listened, we wouldn’t be here.”
- “I’m doing everything — and it’s still not enough.”
...this episode is for you.
Inside, you’ll learn:
- The real reason blame shows up so fast (hint: it’s not a character flaw)
- Why blame feels good short-term but damages long-term connection
- The difference between blaming and sharing your hurt vulnerably
- What the full blame cycle actually looks and sounds like in real life
- A 6-step process to shift from blaming to building connection — even when you're totally overwhelmed
This isn’t surface-level communication advice.
It’s about rebuilding the foundation your relationship rests on — one vulnerable moment at a time.
If you're ready to drop the blame, speak from your heart, and start feeling seen again, hit play.
✨ Want support breaking this cycle in your real-life relationship? Learn more about 1:1 coaching at www.drrachelorleck.com
Also check out Dr. Rachel's Free 7 Day Course to Break the Conflict Cycle
And the Free Guide with 5 Ways to Start Difficult Conversations
Transcript
Why We Blame — and How to Break the Cycle for Deeper Connection
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[: ly sounds something like, if [:You know, I'm not judging, if anything, I'm right there with you because the truth is, blame feels good in the moment. It feels powerful. It feels righteous. It gives you something to do with all the frustrations swirling around inside of you. But here's the kicker, nobody tells you about. Blame is a smoke detector.
m slaps on armor to survive. [:Not just into cheesy, you know, let's communicate better advice, but into the real kind of communication that builds understanding, importance, and connection. Again, know, just think positive, just the real, messy, powerful truth. Let's dive in.
First things first. You didn't wake up one day and choose to be a blamer. Blame isn't a character flaw. It's a survival mechanism, and it usually starts way before your first adult relationship.
the sink and in my head, it [:It was, but at the time it felt deadly serious. I wasn't actually mad about the sink. I was terrified. I was terrified that I didn't matter to the person that I love the most, but instead of saying I'm scared that I'm alone in this, I would say, you never help me. You don't even see how hard I'm trying. I launched blame like a missile, and guess what he did?
He would throw up walls. He would defend himself, he would back away because that's what we all do when we feel attacked.
us, blaming didn't start in [:Maybe your big feelings got ignored, so you learned to shout to be seen. Maybe you got shamed for being too sensitive, so you armored up with blame to hide your tenderness.
Blame is how we protect the most fragile parts of ourselves, the parts that still want to be loved, the parts that still want to matter. One of my clients was absolutely convinced her partner didn't care about her. Every time he forgot a detail, came home late, zoned out during a conversation she launched into, you never listen.
s scared. Scared that if she [:So the bottom line, blame isn't random, it's protective, it's fast, automatic, and it lets us dodge the scarier stuff. The fear that we're not enough. The shame of feeling invisible, the loneliness of feeling disconnected. Blame is the smoke detector screaming something precious feels endangered inside me.
Here's a quick reality check. If you recognize yourself in this good, it means your nervous system is doing its job. It means you're human and not broken, but staying stuck in blame. That's like letting the smoke detector scream and never actually looking for the fire. Today. We're not just shutting off the alarm.
We are [:We're gonna talk about what blame actually costs over time. And why? Even though it feels protective, it's slowly eroding the foundation you're standing on. So now that we know that blame is our nervous system's way of sounding the alarm, let's talk about what happens when that alarm keeps blaring day after day. Because here's the brutal truth,
blame feels good for about five minutes. And then it wrecks the thing that you were trying to protect.
the script so you don't have [:You don't have to say, I feel invisible. You don't have to say, I'm not enough for you. You don't have to say, I feel like I'm failing, and it terrifies me. You get to say you messed up, fix it, and for about five minutes it feels righteous. It feels safe, like you're back in control of a situation that was making you feel out of control.
But here's the long-term reality. Blame is like sugar feels good for a second, but it starves the relationship over time because what happens after the blast? Your partner goes into defense mode, their walls go up, their heart starts to shut down. They don't feel safe to be soft with you anymore. You stop looking like teammates and instead look like opponents.
you know what's even worse? [:Let's paint the picture. Imagine this, you're exhausted. After a full day, the kids are screaming. Your boss just dropped a new deadline and dinner's burning. You look around and your partner's sitting on the couch, scrolling on their phone trigger, pulled
you snap. Must be nice to check out when everything's falling apart. But what happens? Your partner tenses up. They get defensive or distant, maybe they snap back, maybe they shut down and boom. Now you're not just exhausted and overwhelmed. You're exhausted, overwhelmed, and emotionally alone. One couple I worked with had started with tiny blames.
You're never on time.
You always leave me hanging. [:Both of them started doing exactly what you'd expect, withdrawing, shutting down, keeping score. Their relationship wasn't dying because they didn't love each other. It was dying because they didn't feel safe with each other anymore.
re just in a rough patch. It [:Parenting feels lonely and transactional. Date nights feel like obligations. Arguments turn into silent wars. You can still function as a couple on the outside, but on the inside. Your roommates with a shared history, not partners building a future together. This is the real heartache. Most couples who get stuck in this loop, they still love each other.
ss, you're thinking, oh, I'm [:Let's do a quick gut check. If you're listening right now and feeling that gut punch. Okay, good. It means your heart is still in this.
It means part of you wants something better than the blame cycle,
and I promise you're not broken for struggling with this. Blame is normal. Staying stuck in it, that's optional. You can choose differently. You can learn a way to protect your heart without having to set your relationship on fire in the process. And it starts with seeing blame for what it really is. A cry for connection.
Wearing armor.
ll your power? Stick with me [:And the answer isn't. Stop blaming and be nice. That advice actually makes me wanna throw something across the room. The answer is learning the difference between blame and vulnerability and practicing what it sounds like to speak from the part of you that wants to connect, not the part of you that wants to punish.
Blame sounds like this. You never prioritize me. You only care about yourself. You're always so defensive. You clearly don't even care if I'm upset.
Now notice [:It pushes your partner into defense mode before they even have a chance to understand you. It makes them wrong, not because your feelings aren't valid, but because the way you're expressing them shames instead of shares. Vulnerability sounds more like this. I miss feeling like a priority in your life. I really feel alone.
t. Blame shields, your heart [:Blame dares your partner to defend themselves.
Let's take a typical fight around parenting because holy hell, nothing brings up the blame faster than feeling like you're overwhelmed with kids. So the blame version, you never step up. You just expect me to do everything. You don't even care how hard this is for me.
The result is instant defense. Your partner shuts down, encounters with I work just as hard as you do, and now you're fighting about who's more exhausted. The vulnerability version.
like we're in this together. [:The blame version. You never want me, maybe you're just not attracted to me anymore.
Not only is there blame in that, but also you're telling your partner what they feel.
The vulnerability version. When we haven't been close for a while, I start feeling really insecure and worrying whether you still desire me. I miss you. Now, I want you to notice vulnerability doesn't mean you hide your hurt. It means you name it clearly without stabbing your partner with it. The hard truth is that blame feels safer.
the moment because it makes [:So here's a quick exercise to flip the script. I want you to think right now what's something you blamed your partner for recently? Are you thinking about it? Okay, now flip it. What fear or hurt was underneath that blame? How could you share that with them instead?
Because blame you says You failed me, but vulnerability you says
ng and I want you with me in [:It is a really big difference. It's also a big risk. But it has the potential for massive reward. And listen, I get it. There's a part of you right now that's thinking, oh man, if I get vulnerable, aren't I just giving them a free pass and no vulnerability isn't about excusing bad behavior.
It's about fighting for the relationship. It's not just for your pride. You can name the impact of their actions and stay in your self-respect without launching blame grenades. In fact, it's the strongest thing you can do. It's the opposite of weakness. It's leadership. It's emotional leadership. The bottom line is blame says, fix it yourself so I don't have to feel this way.
t me here? One of them makes [:We are going to start slowing it down even further though, and walk through what the actual blame cycle looks like when it gets rolling and why it feels so hard to stop once it starts. You're gonna recognize yourself. And while hard, that's a good thing because awareness is the first step to change.
Okay? Let's slow it down and really walk through this, because blame isn't just a feeling, it's a cycle. Once it kicks off, it's like a bad song on repeat, and every time you think you're done with it. One small trigger hits and boom, you're right back at the chorus. So let's break it down. Step one, the trigger.
y looks up from their phone. [:It starts shouting, I'm not important. I'm all alone. I'm not respected. I'm not safe here. This is the smoke detector. Then the next step is the blame launch. Now, this is when the nervous system kicks in and remember, blame feels safer than sadness. So instead of saying, oh, that really hurt you, go for, you never care about anyone but yourself.
You always make everything about you. You don't even notice when I'm drowning.
stop it. Then the third step [:and what does your partner's nervous system do? Exactly what yours did, but in reverse.
Either way, you don't get comfort, you don't get understanding. You get more disconnection, which confirms your worst fear. I'm alone. They don't care. I can't count on them. Which leads to step four, which is escalation and withdrawal. Now you're both standing there behind your walls, bleeding on the inside.
k catastrophic at first, but [:so it makes me think of a couple I just worked with and every fight looked the exactly the same.
He would feel criticized and withdraw. She would feel abandoned and escalate. He would feel attacked and then shut down even harder while she would get louder and meaner and more desperate. Wow. Over time, it really just got faster. It took less to trigger it until eventually they just could go from laughing to screaming in 90 seconds flat.
Not because they didn't love each other, but because this blame cycle was stronger than their ability to stay connected. It really was heartbreaking because underneath all of that yelling, all of that, shutting down, all of that blame.
ey fought, they accidentally [:You're two people trying to survive each other are,
let's take a quick second for a reality check. Is this resonating with you right now? Okay, good. It means you're awake to it now because you can't change what you won't name. And once you start spotting the blame cycle while it's happening, not just after it's destroyed everything, you're already halfway to breaking awareness is everything.
not comfort from each other. [:And not dramatically at first. It just slowly, quietly starts to die, and that's what we're here to stop.
Now I am going to walk you step by step through exactly how to break the blame cycle. Even when your whole body is screaming at you to armor up, this is where the real magic happens. Stay with me because this is the part that can change everything. Here's where we stop understanding blame and actually start changing it.
connection, not just coping. [:It's a muscle. And it starts with learning how to break the blame cycle in real time. So let's dig in. I. Step one, recognize the smoke alarm early. The very first move is to catch yourself before you fully launch. Do you feel your heart rate spike or maybe that heat rising in your chest? Feel the words you always or you never about to fly out.
My body wants to protect me, [:Find that core feeling because what you say next can either build a wall or build a bridge.
Step two. You gotta speak from the soft spot. This is the hardest and bravest step. So instead of spitting out blame, you lead with vulnerability. And yes, it will absolutely feel unnatural at first. You'll want to armor up. You'll want to sound tougher and colder and less invested. But if you want connection, you have to be willing to be messy and real.
try, I feel overwhelmed and [: why. Eyewitness testimony is [:So here, blame says, you made me invisible. While ownership says, when that happened, I felt invisible. It's a subtle shift. But that little shift is everything. It moves the conversation from a courtroom where someone is guilty to a connection space where someone can comfort. And here's the bonus. When you own your feelings, you stay in your power.
this part works even better [:When either of you senses the blame cycle starting, you can hit pause. You can literally say, Hey, I think we're starting the cycle. Can we slow this down for a second? I love you. I don't wanna fight with you. I wanna understand you because this isn't about pretending you're not upset. It's about protecting the relationship while you're upset.
You can be furious, disappointed, scared, and still fight for the connection,
and feel like crap about it. [:Mid fight. That is a huge win.
Repair sounds like, Hey, that came out way harsher than I meant it to. I'm sorry. I'm really feeling scared. I realize I blamed you just now what I meant to say is that I miss you. I got defensive. Let me try that again. Fast repairs, build trust. Faster than perfect conversations ever Will.
When we know that our partner is willing to take ownership and repair with us, we start to develop a trust of that person so that we actually feel more comfortable being vulnerable. We feel more comfortable pointing out when we are in the cycle, and that creates so much more connection down the road.
us into the next step, step [:You have to actively build the positive as well. Because the reality is the human brain is Velcro for negativity and Teflon for positivity. Meaning if you don't intentionally feed your connection with appreciation, it's actually gonna starve. So catch your partner doing things right, even tiny things.
Thank you for handling bedtime tonight. I appreciate you checking in on me earlier. It meant a lot when you took the car to get serviced. I know you didn't have to notice. Name it, say it out loud. Appreciation creates safety. It creates vulnerability. Vulnerability then creates connection. There's just no shortcut.
I [:Let's not let that become part of your pattern.
It brings to mind this client who spent years blaming his wife for never being affectionate enough. Session after session. It was the same cycle. He criticized and then she defended. He withdrew, and she withdrew. Finally, one session he broke down and through the tears he said, I just miss feeling wanted.
t pure aching vulnerability. [:They fell down when the armor was taken down first. So here's a quick recap. This is how to break the blame cycle step by step. So, one, recognize the smoke alarm early. Two, speak from that soft spot. Three, take radical ownership. Four, slow it down together, five, repair quickly and often, and six, build a culture of appreciation.
t quick, but it's absolutely [:I'm gonna close this out by reminding you why you're doing this work. It isn't just about fighting less. It's about building the kind of relationship you can actually breathe inside of, and really, you're closer than you think you are. Here's what I want you to hear. I'm gonna make this loud and clear.
You are not broken because you blame. You are not failing at love because sometimes you armor up. You are not a bad partner because sometimes you throw the first emotional punch instead of the first lifeline. You're human and your nervous system has been trying to protect you in the best way it knows how and the deeper truth.
ion. You deserve connection. [:Even when it feels unfair, when everything in you wants to armor up and hurl a blame grenade instead, blame is the smoke detector. Vulnerability is the fire extinguisher. Blame screams, Hey, something's wrong. Vulnerability says, Hey, let's figure it out together.
Blame isolates while [:If today's episode stirred something up inside of you. That's good. That means that your heart is still alive and fighting for something better. And I'll tell you this, you are strong enough to do this work.
You are brave enough to break the cycle. You are worthy enough to build the relationship you actually want, not just one. You have to survive in. And you're not doing it alone. I'm in this with you. Every awkward attempt, every caught in the moment, pause, every messy, beautiful repair. It counts. It matters.
[:and it's the real way. You build love that lasts. You can take even just one small step today. Maybe it's catching yourself mid blame and taking a breath. Maybe it's texting your partner and appreciation. Maybe it's just letting yourself feel the ache underneath the anger without shaming yourself for it.
And if you know someone who's stuck in the same cycle, share this episode with them. Because when one person starts breaking the cycle, it gives everyone around them permission to do the same. And if you're ready for more real talk about relationships, emotional safety and connection, that actually works, hit follow and come hang out with me again next week.
We're just getting started here.
nd it, but actually live it, [:and if you're craving even more tools for building deeper connection and trust, stay tuned. There's more coming down the road.
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