Episode 22
Debunking the Perfect-Partner Myth in Love
We’ve all been sold the same fantasy: if you just find the right person — someone “perfect” — everything will finally feel easy. No more spirals, no more fights that last for days, no more wondering if you matter. But here’s the hard truth: that partner doesn’t exist.
In this episode of Coupled With…, I break down why chasing the idea of a perfectly secure partner keeps you stuck in disappointment, and what actually creates security in love. Spoiler: it’s not about finding the flawless unicorn who never triggers you — it’s about building the right patterns together.
We’ll explore:
- The cultural myth of the “perfectly secure partner” and how it sets you up to fail
- The real emotional loops couples get stuck in (silence that feels like a canyon, conflict that never ends)
- Why your nervous system panics faster than your logic — and how that plays out in relationships
- The two paths: conflict loops vs. connection loops
- One simple, practical tool to interrupt spirals and create space for repair
This isn’t about settling or lowering your standards. It’s about trading the fairytale for something stronger and more real: a love that’s steady, imperfect, and built in the moments you come back to each other.
Free Resources:
7 Day Email Course: Break the Cycle: 7 Days to Breaking the Fight Cycle
Find it at: www.drrachelorleck.com
Transcript
Debunking the Perfect-Partner Myth in Love
[:That sounds dreamy right?
re partner, you'll see it as [:I hear this from couples all the time.
They say if my partner were the right one, he wouldn't get so defensive or she wouldn't shut me out. What they're really saying is. I want this to feel easy all the time and who doesn't, but here's the kicker. Easy isn't the same as secure. Expecting them to be the same only sets you up for collapse. I've been there too early in my relationship. I thought if we were really meant to be, we'd never lose our footing. Every fight felt like a flashing sign that maybe I'd messed up in my choosing him. But what I've learned and what I've lived is that security isn't about never wobbling.
ck to steady ground over and [:And spoiler. It's not about finding the right person, it's about building the right patterns together.
People tell me the hardest part isn't the arguing, it's the nothingness. It's the long stretches of silence that don't feel peaceful. The we are fine. That actually means we haven't felt close in months.
And then comes the thought. [:Others describe the opposite. Endless conflict.
One person always pushing the other, always pulling away. It's the same fight. It's just different details. Someone says, you never listen. The other fires back, you are too much. And around and around they both go until they're completely exhausted. And they'll say, if only he were less avoidant and if only she wasn't so sensitive.
every single time? And there [:But the truth is, even with training and awareness, I've missed his signals too. That's the emotional loop. It's longing for connection, hitting disappointment, spiraling into self-doubt or blame. Then hoping again, when things feel good for a minute.
Couples describe it as whiplash. One day they're convinced they're safe and loved, and the next day they're sure that they're doomed. And underneath that rollercoaster is just the same story. If only I had a more secure partner, the perfect person, then everything would feel steady. But here's what we miss in that pattern.
ot secure enough. It's about [:So if you found yourself in that cycle, silence that feels like a canyon, fights that feel like deja vu or hope that collapses overnight, you're not crazy and you're not alone. You are human and the real problem isn't that you chose wrong, it's that you're living inside a myth that was just never true to begin with.
love should look like. We're [:But love doesn't work like a highway. It's more like a trail system through the woods. Sometimes the path is clear and beautiful, and other times it's muddy, messy, and hard to follow. You and your partner don't need to be perfect hikers to make it work. You just need to be willing to keep finding your way back to the trail when you lose it. I often hear if he were the right one, I wouldn't feel this anxious. Or if she were more confident, I wouldn't feel so rejected. What's really being said is I wanna guarantee,
eel like the ground can fall [:Your nervous system will keep scanning for proof, the sigh, the delay in response, the missed text message, and you'll make it mean you chose wrong. That's not evidence. That's fear talking louder than the truth. Here's the reality. Security is created every time you and your partner circle back after a fight.
the right patterns together. [:The reframe is this. You don't need a flawless map holder. You need someone willing to walk with you, get muddy, and keep choosing the trail again and again.
Here's where the nervous system comes in. When you feel distance from your partner, whether it's silence, a delayed text, or an eye roll, your body doesn't respond like. Oh, minor blip. We'll sort it out. Your body reacts like danger, abandonment, incoming. That surge in your chest, the knot in your stomach, the urge to fight or bolt, that's not drama.
ervous system was wired long [:It's not because your partner is failing, it's because your body remembers. I've heard people say he only looked away for a second and I completely lost it, or she didn't text back right away and I started to spiral. They feel really embarrassed, like it means they're needy or irrational, but this isn't weakness, it's biology.
Your nervous system interprets the pause as a potential rejection. It sends up flares of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn
before your brain [:There have been so many times when my husband goes quiet during a conflict and my chest just tightens like I'm about to be left forever, or there's gonna be something incoming that I can't anticipate. And even though I know better. My body reacts first.
That's what nervous systems do. They prioritize survival over logic. And until you realize what's happening, it's really easy to make a mistake of blaming your partner for your panic. Here's the paradox, the very thing you want, secure love, requires seeing those reactions for what they are.
el the spike, but instead of [:Remember, this is your wiring, not necessarily your partner's failure.
The shift doesn't make the panic vanish, but it cracks the door open and that crack is where secure love actually begins. Not in perfection, but in recognizing that safety is something you build in real time . Let's try putting this in a contrast. You can actually see when the myth of the perfect partner runs the show, you get stuck on one path. The conflict loop on this path, every misstep feels like proof that your partner isn't enough, you chose wrong, you'll always be the one carrying the relationship.
g the same fight. And here's [:And even when it quiets down, there's just no real resolution. It's just a temporary ceasefire until the next cycle starts to spin up again.
Now compare that with the other path, the connection loop. On this path missteps still happen. Because newsflash, you're both human, but they don't automatically equal doom. Someone pulls away, but then they come back.
ict, but it becomes a bridge [:The couples that I work with often light up when they realize this. I've been told, I thought if we were still fighting, it meant that nothing was changing, and now I see it differently. That's the shift in the connection loop.
The fights get shorter, the repairs are quicker. The nervous systems still spikes, but they don't stay stuck there. The path changes from spiraling proof to building trust. And I'll, I'll be honest, the connection loop doesn't look like a romantic comedy pretty, it looks like pausing mid argument, taking a shaky breath and saying, I don't wanna fight like this.
se messy moves matter. Every [:And the connection loop is the one that accepts imperfection and uses it as raw material for secure love. It's the same people, the same nervous system. The same messy triggers. The only difference is whether you demand perfection or commit to repair. That choice is everything. So let's make this practical.
not analyze it, just pause, [:So here's how it might look in real life. Your partner's size and your stomach drops. Instead of snapping back or shutting down, you take a breath and say quietly to yourself, okay, my system is flaring up. This feels like rejection, but it might just be a sigh or. I'm triggered right now. This doesn't mean we're doomed.
The tiny acknowledgement keeps you tethered to reality. I do this all the time. I always feel like the next shoe is about to drop. So I've done this more times than I can count. My chest tightens my thoughts, race, and for a moment. I wanna blame him for every ounce of my discomfort.
hat blame feels really good, [:The nervous system is reacting.
And the beauty of it is that when you pause and you name it, you create space for what comes next. Maybe you choose to share it out loud. Hey, I am flaring right now. Can you sit with me? Maybe you just ride it out until the wave passes. Either way, you've stopped waiting for your partner to deliver security and started building it from the inside of the relationship.
One moment at a time. [:That's what shifts you from the conflict loop into the connection loop. Not giant breakthroughs, not unicorn partners, just messy humans who are willing to stop, breathe, and name what's happening before they spiral. You don't need a flawless partner. You don't need someone who never rolls their eyes, never shuts down, never misses a bid.
thm of the heartbeat of real [:So if you've been waiting for your partner to magically be more secure, stop waiting. That's like waiting for the weather to change before you leave the house. Security isn't something you wait for. It's something that you create and yes, it's harder than the fantasy. It requires you to notice the flareups, interrupt the spirals, and sometimes be the one to extend the olive branch first.
But the payoff is when you stop holding your partner to impossible standards, you start seeing them differently. They're not the enemy, they're not the problem. They're another human with their own nervous system. Their own triggers, their own messy repair attempts, and that means you can start noticing the evidence that they're choosing you.
s who thought that they were [:One pause, one breath, one imperfect repair at a time. And that's way more powerful than the myth. Here's my challenge for you. The next time you feel yourself slipping into that fantasy, if only they were more blank, catch it. Interrupt it. Remind yourself that security isn't found, it's built.
how you stop waiting for the [:
