Episode 21
Why You Feel Rejected in Bed: Understanding Sexual and Emotional Cycles
If you’ve ever wondered why you and your partner seem to be on completely different wavelengths when it comes to sex and intimacy—you’re not alone.
In this episode of Coupled With…, I sit down with Dennis and Kim Eames, EFT couples therapists (and a married couple themselves), to explore the crisscross pattern: when one partner reaches for emotional closeness while the other reaches for sexual connection. What often follows? Misunderstandings, pressure, rejection—and a deep sense of loneliness, even when you’re right beside each other.
We break down:
- Why one partner often pursues emotionally while the other pursues sexually
- How these patterns can accidentally send messages of rejection or unworthiness
- The difference between solace sex and sealed-off sex—and why neither leads to true closeness
- Small but powerful ways to translate your bids for connection so your partner doesn’t miss them
This isn’t about who’s right or wrong. Underneath both patterns is the same longing: Do you want me? Do I matter to you?
If intimacy has ever felt like a battleground in your relationship, this conversation will help you see the cycle clearly—and start shifting it toward connection instead of disconnection.
About Dennis & Kim Eames, LMFTs
Dennis and Kim are passionate about guiding couples through the Emotionally Focused Therapy process that transformed their own marriage. When the quick fixes and band-aids stopped holding things together, EFT helped them rebuild into a securely connected partnership—one with more stability, closeness, and passion than they imagined possible.
Both are Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists practicing in Federal Way, WA, and across the state via telehealth. Together, they also lead Hold Me Tight Seattle workshops for couples.
- Dennis is a Certified EFT Couple, Family, and Individual Therapist & Supervisor
- Learn more: Infinity Family Therapy | EFT Intensives | Hold Me Tight Seattle | Facebook
Resources from Dr. Rachel
💌 Free 7-Day Email Course: Break the Cycle
🌐 Explore my new site + projects: Attachment Revolution
Transcript
Why You Feel Rejected in Bed: Understanding Sexual and Emotional Cycles
Rachel: [:That same push pull shows up in the bedroom too. One partner might crave emotional closeness before their body feels open for sex. While the other feels like sex is the doorway to emotional closeness. You can imagine how that might set up some fireworks or more often long stretches of silence and frustration.
Dennis and Kim call this the crisscross pattern, and in our conversation they break down how it plays out, why it's not about who cares more and how couples can start translating their bids for connection, whether through touch, words or presence so they don't keep missing each other.
[:Welcome to the show, everybody here today. I am joined by Dennis and Kim Eames and they are also EFT emotionally focused therapists, and in this practice, we talk a lot about the emotional cycle and the relational cycle and how important that is when we're thinking about the pursuing partner or the anxious partner and the withdrawing or the avoidant partner.
But today we're gonna be talking about intimacy and sex and is there cycle Comes out when we're talking about intimacy with couples that might be different than the relational cycle that we're used to talking about.
ten kind of what we think of [:Um, and the other partner is withdrawing from that. That's kind of foreign territory and they are withdrawing from that, but they still wanna be connected and close with their partner, and they have a different channel that they're reaching for connection in. And that's through the physical intimacy, channel.
And so the emotional withdrawer strategy is often kind of typically sexually pursuing and the emotionally pursuing partners, often sexually withdrawing 'cause it's a different channel than kind of what they're primarily kind of trying to reach for. But they're both trying to get the same thing.
Connection, Closeness, to know that they're not alone.
one person really wants that [:But the other partner needs that physical connection in order to feel more emotionally connected and secure, and so that they end up butting heads sometimes in that area.
Kim: Correct. And butting heads and also disconnecting. They're both trying so hard for connection and as, as has been discussed before with the emotional connection or the emotional cycle, when we, when one person pursues, it feels terrible to the withdraw. When the, when the withdrawer withdraws, it feels terrible to the pursuer. And that dynamic shows up in their sexual cycle. Where when one person is being pursued sexually, it feels, it feels kind of too much.
Dennis: Like all you care about is my body.
a person and being connected [:Rachel: It can often feel like a lot of pressure on one side to make themselves physically available, or it can feel like rejection or abandonment on the other side that they have to be perfect in order to then, mm-hmm. I don't know what the right term would. Yeah. But deserve the physical connection that they're longing for.
Yeah.
ant me sexually. Or if I can [:Rachel: There ends up being a lot of, uh, quid pro quo kind of thinking around sex and intimacy, when really it just comes down to how do I know that I'm desired, unwanted, you care about me and you love me.
Kim: Am I lovable?
Dennis: Yeah. Am I lovable? Do you appreciate me? Do you want to be with me? And when we're trying so hard to get one type of connection, that then leaves our partner uncomfortable and they kind of put the brakes on that and try and kind of come back with their own kind of connection, it just intensifies
and their kind of reach back for emotional connection can put a sexual pursuer back into like, I've gotta try harder. Um, like, we need to have sex by this date, or we're done. And that just kind of creates that panic of the kind of emotional pursuer, like, what you're gonna leave me if we don't have the good enough sex by this date?
Rachel: yeah, that's [:Dennis: And then, yeah, they, they emotionally pursue harder. Like no. If you just like, do this or do that, then I'd be more interested in having sex. If you just did the dishes, um, so that I knew that I mattered to you and my time matters to you, then I'd be more interested in sex.
Rachel: And they're accidentally sending the wrong message to each other, which is, you're not valuable without the sex, or you can never get it right enough.
Dennis: Yes.
Kim: Yes, and, and I, and I love how you put that, Rachel, that it's an accident. We are never intending these terrible, these terrible, hurtful messages that we send each other. And yet the impact on our partner is this i'm not good enough. I'm not desirable. I'm never going to get it right. It's not, it's never enough for you.
And we, we both send those signals to each other unintentionally.
Dennis: And then we get more polarized into our own kind of position and strategy.
hel: So where can that leave [:Dennis: more and more alone. More and more desperate and more and more stuck. and I think as couples therapists and EFT therapists for a long time, we've done a disservice to couples by only prioritizing the emotional connection and telling the sexual pursuer, oh, your connection is, that's less mature, that's less grown up.
We need to value and treat them both as equally important and be working and talking about both cycles, both, desires for connection. and as that kind of gets cycle gets worse and worse, the risk of being vulnerable gets higher and higher.
nection and comfort from her [:The stereotype is that's usually men and I think it's probably more often men than, than women that are the sexual pursers. But it can be both. so that's what she described to me.
Kim: wanting that connection, I need connection with my husband because I've just, I feel so beat up after this week
Dennis: and I need that comfort with him.
What she asked him was, will you go down on me. He had no way of knowing that she wanted connection and comfort. It was just like, will you give me an orgasm? Is what he heard. And he is like, no, I can't do that. Yeah. I need to know that you want me as a person, not just someone to kind of stand in and give you some pleasure,
Kim: make you feel better.
not safe and could actually [:Kim: A couple of different ways that we engage sexually when one is a pursuing and withdrawing, talking about solace sex, which is a, anxious pursuit kind of sex and sealed off sex , which is more of the withdrawing sexual position.
Dennis: So the experience that I kind of know best is my own, but I kind of hear this from a lot of other clients too. Um, that I was in this sealed off sex position. I didn't really wanna have sex unless I was feeling emotionally connected and wanted by Kim. But I would go along with it. but that kind of builds up that kind of what you were just talking about of that resentment and I've heard clients say like, I, I, I'm starting to feel like I'm just kind of prostituting myself.
esn't, and eventually we can [:Kim: and the solace sex for, for me as the the sexual pursuer and I was coming from a very, very anxious place. That for me, reaching toward Dennis sexually was not necessarily about us connecting.
It was more about me feeling like I was loved. And so that I was, I was reaching toward him for that connection, but it wasn't a connection for both of us. It was a way, it was a means of me feeling like I was okay.
Dennis: I think for us and a lot of other couples recognizing the pattern and what's happening is a, is a big part of the first step.
m hinting and kind of pursue [:Like, that's my signal that I, I want closeness with you. But to just start to be more explicit of like, I wanna be close with you. That's why I'm doing this . We had a couple that would kind of translate their kisses or their affections for a while like this kiss means I really wanna be close to you. This kiss means I really appreciate kind of what you did for me here.
This touch means, I really care about you and I wanna know that you care about me too. I'm hoping that you'll respond to my touch with some touch of your own. Just let me know that you care about me.
Rachel: In essence, offering emotional connection at the same time as the physical connection to help the other person link the two and feel like their needs are being met alongside the intimacy.
motional pursuer linking the [:I do want you,
Kim: you're the, you are my person. You're the one that I need, you're the one that can, that I trust to bring me comfort, contact, and care.
Rachel: It's so important that those messages become explicit so that we aren't getting stuck in this cycle again and again, where you're getting pulled apart, that we're owning what's happening in that moment and helping our partners, nervous system deescalate and calm down and be more present. So even if it's.
can't do that right now, but [:Mm-hmm. And allowing them to know that they're not being, being rejected as a partner. Mm-hmm. It's just a specific act they're not open to in that moment.
Dennis: Yeah. And oftentimes because we don't talk about it, we just kind of like, test the waters and see if we get the response that we're looking for that gives us a kind of a green light or a yellow light and, oh, nope, yellow, yellow light.
We're back off and we don't talk about it. There's a lot of missed opportunities for both the physical and the, emotional connection . And one isn't more important or valid than the other, they're both equally important.
Rachel: They're just different languages of love.
Dennis: Yeah.
Kim: I like to, I like to tell clients that it's important to not only have the emotional connection, but you wanna have the mental connection, the sexual connection, sometimes the spiritual connection.
ll of those different levels [:For that vulnerability to come forth we've gotta be able to connect with each other on all kinds of levels. Yeah. To make that sexual connection feel safe. Feel safer. Mm-hmm. That's one thing I love about EFT is helping people connect in different ways, helping people see
communicate to you, whether [:And, and you and I do that too. You know, it's like I'm just, I come up and I might might give you a kiss on the ear and it's just like, Hey, I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and give you a little smooch. You know? And I think that really helps the two of us, with our ongoing mm-hmm.
Connection. Mm-hmm.
Dennis: Yeah. And as the, and largely kind of, Emotional pursuing strategy person. Having that translation is really important and they're like, oh no, it's me that she wants. not just the physical.
to this negative cycle where [:Kim: I think for me it's, I'm a lot more relaxed that. Because Dennis and I have done our own EFT work with our own, with our own relationship, and I am no longer in that anxious place of am I good enough? I'm no longer kind of trapped in my own fear, and so I can reach toward Dennis in a sexual way that's no longer fraught.
eels like is, is, is lighter.[:And less, less tense, less, um, less kind of grasping. That's the word that comes to my mind.
Dennis: Yeah. And for me, when I'm already feeling emotionally close with Kim, I wanna have that physical connection more and more. And I, so as we, our relationship became. Solid and secure, and I rarely kind of doubt that anymore.
That has turned me into a pretty frequent sexual pursuer after a long history of 20 ish years of being kind of rarely of feeling that closeness that kind of would lead me to sexually pursue .
Rachel: Yeah. There is so much research around how feeling secure in a relationship really does open up the avenue to become more playful and adventurous with sex.
w like, I am safe here. This [:Kim: Stronger and safer. Yeah. I think of, I think of a particular incident with Dennis and I where, he let me know he was explicit.
I'm, I'm interested in sharing love with you. And I told him, well. My feet hurt and I've had a really long day, and I'm willing to see if I can get, I get interested. And so we, you know, we kissed and cuddled and caressed and I eventually became interested, but I, but I was, I felt safe enough to let him know.
e physically intimate. Yeah. [:Scared of, oh, will she be interested in me and will I, do I have to perform? Like I didn't feel like I had to perform and he could take a maybe and it was okay.
Rachel: It sounds like that's when it switches from being. Just about the, the physical pleasure to being about the connection and the relationship where you can have the physical pleasure, but it really hits on a much deeper level than just that.
Mm-hmm.
say, do what you need to do. [:He was looking for sexual connection, intimacy, um, and she wasn't offering intimacy. She was offering, I'll just lay here and let you do what you wanna do. Yeah. And it's, it's like that isn't fulfilling in a relationship. she wants passion, but that they've never been in a place where they could, like either of them be vulnerable enough to create that passion of, but they're moving in that direction.
Rachel: So, Dennis, you spoke of, now that the relationship with you and Kim is so much more secure that. There's been this switch for you where you have become more of a pursuer, and I talk to my clients a lot about the spontaneous and more responsive styles of desire and arousal. And in what you described, Kim, there was this like an, I might be more responsive today.
relationship where it seems [:Dennis: I think as we've been talking, I keep kind of thinking of this kind of psychological term of complex equivalencies of like, if you do this, then it means this. If you have sex with me, it means that you love me. If you.
creates a kind of a backfire [:We get. Scared that they don't want us and we back off and we stop or we press harder and we like then kind of up the pressure. Neither of those like upping the pressure or just kind of giving up, kinda work very well, but to be able to like be explicit about what's happening in the moment, be vulnerable.
Like, Hey, I'm, this is really hard. I got it. Seems like you're not interested. Like I'm in the mood and it seems like you're not interested. Like, are you saying you want me to just kind of drop it and roll over and go to sleep? Um, or is it okay for me to keep kind of caressing you or rubbing your shoulders or something? And if it doesn't lead anywhere else, I can be okay with that.
her. Neither of them is bad. [:And I think if each person can remember that my partner's different than I am, my partner thinks differently than I do. That's okay because the, the one who's more, the one who's more responsive and like you, I, I love how you said that, Rachel, that it's just not on their radar. That it's not like they don't want to share love with their, with their partner.
client where they are right [:The fact that he reaches out for her, reminds her we are still, we are still connected. We are still together. This is, even though I can't really respond right now, I don't want him to stop. I don't want him to give up.
Dennis: And it gets really hard for him to keep kind of trying to get a hug or a kiss or something when, and to have her pull away.
Rachel: Oh yeah. It's just like this constant state of rejection.
Dennis: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And it really, it really helps him to occasionally hear like, yes, I don't want you to give up on this part of our relationship. Just like it gives me hope that you haven't given up, that we can kind of get to this other place that both of us wanna be.
I know how hard it is for you.
I
relationship and my comfort [:Rachel: And in these seasons, prioritizing that, seeing each other and prioritizing emotional connection and being able to reach out in whatever way they can in that moment, so that mm-hmm.
They don't feel like they're completely disconnecting.
h no, I'm being rejected and [:And then kind of going quiet and kind of physically moving away, which communicates to our partner like, oh no, you don't want any sex, is all that you wanted, beginning to, give more clear messages.
Kim: Which, which can be really giving those clear messages can be really scary. And when we're listening to the fear, we get what the fear expects.
And so re realizing in myself, okay, I'm afraid that my partner doesn't want me. I need to be able to check in with my partner so that I can help relieve that fear instead of just acting on the fear and, and then getting what the fear expects because I'm acting in some weird way. Then if I can stop listening to the fear as much
s that are not easy to speak [:all we do right now is hold hands and cuddle. I'm okay with that. And I think that's part of it too, is being okay with not having the full meal deal. Mm-hmm. You know, being okay with steps leading to that and for each person to feel like I can give this much. The other one being that much is enough. That much will give me that connection.
at they're reaching for sex, [:And they're just so used to, oh, it has to be sex. Well, it doesn't, it doesn't. And when they're able to take that part of it in that, that smaller part of it, in it still feels good.
Rachel: It still feels good to them, and then it also sends the message to their partner of, you are enough.
Dennis: Yes, yes. You are who I want.
Kim: We've talked a lot about, you know, we've talked about the sexual pursuer, sexual withdraw, emotional pursuer, emotional withdraw. One thing that's super, super important to remember. Is that these are strategies. These are not like personality traits. These are not who you are, right?
[:Dennis: We all need to know that we're not alone, that we're loved, that we wanted.
Kim: Yeah,
Rachel: absolutely.
It's built into our nervous system.
Kim: Yeah. We're wired for that. We're wired to be connected to each other, and so whatever strategy you use, it's not wrong. It's not bad. Nobody's broken.
Dennis: I think another thing that can help. That is to kind of put our ourself in our, in our partner's position, they're reaching for connection in a different way.
et, I mean, feel rejected or [:Rachel: I know exactly what you mean. I think it's three things that I'm hearing that are the really important things to keep in mind.
One, if you could take in even a little bit of that full connection, whether that's emotional or physical, then it still feels good, you're giving your partner the message that they matter, that they're important, that what you want is them, and it helps them feel more secure and attached. Also sending the message of this is good enough.
Being able to verbalize that and not just have it be something that we think is explicit. Because sometimes the withdraw, the sexual withdrawer needs that message in order to feel safe enough to come towards, it'll still be okay. Mm-hmm. If I can't make it all the way to intercourse.
And then the third thing [:This is how we respond to stress and when we feel disconnected from our partner and what we're trying to achieve ultimately is that connection. So thinking, I know what it feels like to be the sexual pursuer or the emotional pursuer, and know what that feels like to have that rejection or to feel not important.
And can I think of it on the other side?
And what's a small move
that I can make to really verbalize my care and love for that other person.
Is there anything else before we move to wrap up that feels really important for our listeners to hear today?
icit, I mean explicit as in, [:And that does take courage. Absolutely. And so just a little bit of courage can go a long, long way.
Rachel: Yeah. Safety is built on the back of tiny risks over time.
Dennis: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes.
Kim: Yep.
Rachel: Well, thank you so much for coming on the show today and helping us have this really important conversation that we don't talk about openly as much as I think we should be, because.
This is just a different type of connection. And like you said, it's not better and it's not worse than emotional connection, but the two need to be intertwined, to feel like we're having that full and deeply connected relationship. And when you feel emotionally connected, it can make you feel a lot more playful, adventurous, and you might even become the pursuer in the sexual relationship.
I hope [:Do you want me? Do I matter to you? If today's episode stirred something up in you take a moment tonight to translate your own bid for connection, whether that's a hand on your partner's shoulder, a kiss on the cheek, or just saying out loud, I just wanna be close to you. Those tiny moves are what shift this cycle.
