You Don’t Want to Be Right—You Want to Be Understood

You Don’t Want to Be Right—You Want to Be Understood

[: 00:00:00

My clients tell me that this is one of the most disorienting parts of conflict, realizing you've won, but still feeling like you've lost. They say things like, I had all the proof. They couldn't argue back, and yet I felt lonelier afterwards than ever before. It's really a hollow victory like holding up a shiny trophy in an [00:01:00] empty stadium.

And I've had that moment too, where I've argued with my husband, convinced that if I just explained it better, he would finally get it or he wouldn't be hurt because if he understood where I was coming from, it wouldn't feel the same. And I built my case. And when he sighed and said, okay, you're right, the victory kind of felt bitter.

There was that moment of. but then it, it went downhill because what I really wanted wasn't agreement. I wanted understanding. I wanted him to understand why I felt the way I did or where I was coming from. So the truth is that most fights aren't about the dishes. They're not about thermostats or bedtime routines.

deeper plea. Do you see me? [: 00:02:00

You're not crazy. What you're feeling is that gap between being correct and being connected. And that's exactly what we're unpacking here today.

this tiny little spark turns [: 00:03:00

My clients tell me that it's these moments that feels like they're on trial. One person makes a claim and the other instantly pulls up mental receipts. Actually, I did bedtime twice this week. Or you are exaggerating. I only asked that once. And before they know it, they're not even arguing about whatever the original issue was.

, stacking examples, raising [: 00:04:00

The argument shifts from. Relationship to scoreboard.

I've caught myself doing this too. Every time I took out the trash or every hidden task that I would handle, I would pull out those receipts and state them as my mental scoreboard of all the times that I'm right and you are wrong, or I, I did more than you, and what did I even prove? It. It was like I was defending my worth, but even if I proved my side, neither one of us actually walked away from that moment.

uried. And what we're really [: 00:05:00

The more you try to prove your case, the more your partner feels dismissed, and the more that you defend, the more you actually feel unseen.

Two people are building walls outta facts until there's too much distance to even reach across it. So let's reframe this a little bit. The real issue isn't needing to be right. The real issue is needing to be understood. Being right isn't about closing a case. Let's leave that for the lawyers. Being understood is about having your inner world recognized, even if your partner doesn't agree with every single detail.

So think about it like this. It's like playing chess you can checkmate them and declare victory.

t, winning the game actually [: 00:06:00

This is my response. It's not because you're broken. You are wired for connection, and your nervous system is getting tricked into believing that providing your case is actually going to find you safety. But chasing rightness usually pushes away the very understanding you're actually wanting from your partner.

re too exhausted to actually [: 00:07:00

So there have definitely been times that I've looked back on my arguments with my husband and thought, wow, why did I waste so much energy proving I was technically right when all I wanted was for him to understand and come close to me? Because really you're not fighting about whatever it is. The fight is about dishes or tone.

y spiral really quickly from [: 00:08:00

Your body hears disconnection and hits the alarm, and your chest tightens, your face flushes, and your words start to speed up. I've talked about this before, polyvagal theory basically is how our nervous system shifts between safety and survival. When we feel safe and understood, we stay in connection mode, but

the second we feel dismissed, we start to drop into fight or flight. Suddenly the goal isn't to connect, but it's to protect ourselves. I'll hear it in my sessions like I was calm and then suddenly I was yelling and stacking examples, and that's just survival. The body said, Hey, this is dangerous. Fight to be heard.

ake sure that their partners [: 00:09:00

Think of your nervous system like a fire alarm. It doesn't know the difference between burnt toast and a real fire. It just blares. Misunderstanding is burnt toast, but the alarm screams anyway. And until you reset it, you'll react like the house is burning down. And this is why being right feels so urgent.

Your nervous system thinks agreement will silence the alarm, but it doesn't. Only understanding. Not actual proof actually restores safety. That's why technical victory actually feels pretty empty. The deeper threat hasn't been resolved.

ht olympics; burned out, but [: 00:10:00

And the second loop of connection, the goal is in victory. It's understanding instead of leading with evidence, you start to lead with empathy. I need you to know why this mattered to me. And when your partner responds with attunement, even if they don't agree, then the tension starts to soften. There's more openness to actually understand.

When we start to work through this in session, my clients actually experience this as a visceral change. In conflict they feel their shoulders are tense and their voices get sharp, and the room feels really heavy. I can actually see it in session when they're in more of a connection loop. There's a subtle drop.

Their breathing studies, their posture relaxes. They can take a deep breath, and safety is sneaking back in.

I've [: 00:11:00

When I share that with my clients, it can sometimes take them aback because the two have been so linked for so long. They think that if they are right, then they will be happy. As we start to unpack and look at these different layers, they realize that they don't have to be right about the situation.

y of what actually happened. [: 00:12:00

So here's the reminder. You don't have to choose the connection loop every time you're human. Sometimes you're gonna drop into that conflict cycle where you pull up all those mental receipts and you're putting them out on the table. That's inevitable. But imagine if that some fights ended with empathy instead of just pure exhaustion.

g to prove that I was right, [: 00:13:00

The tool that I wanna leave you with today is intentionally simple. Pause, breathe once, and ask yourself, do I wanna be right or do I wanna feel close? That question will interrupt the loop.

It doesn't erase the point. It just gives you a choice. You can remember that there's another option besides proving your case. You can reach for closeness instead. My clients have told me that the answer isn't always neat. Sometimes they really do wanna be right . But even naming the choice starts to crack the door open Later.

us from evidence to empathy, [: 00:14:00

And I've used this with John in small disagreements. I just want you to get why I'm so frustrated and his body language changes. He leans in instead of pulls back.

He certainly doesn't agree with everything I say, but I get what I really needed, and the argument starts to end right there. So your takeaway from this isn't to become the perfect communicator, it's to carry this one orienting tool into your next conflict. Do you wanna be righteous or do you wanna have closeness?

s it easier to let go of the [: 00:15:00

It's a need for presence. You don't wanna be crowned, "right" You wanna be seen and understood. That's why victory without Closeness actually feels more like defeat. So if you've walked away from fights with that hollow feeling, take this as your reminder. You're just caught in a loop That mistakes righteousness for safety.

, it feels awkward at first, [: 00:16:00

do I wanna be right or do I wanna feel close? And each time they say that they carve a new pathway. Over time, that pathway becomes stronger and stronger, and it becomes stronger than the courtroom battles that used to run their show. So I've been doing this a long time. I've had 10 plus years of practice as a couple therapists, and I've felt this tension too,

the arguments where I tried to force my own win are actually the ones where I felt even lonelier. But the moments when I slowed down and not only helped my partner hear me, but also took the time to hear him, those are the ones that actually paved the way for more closeness over time and more trust.

t you're truly fighting for, [: 00:17:00