Episode 19
When you know better, but still spiral
You’ve done the work. You’ve read the books, been to therapy, and can name your patterns in your sleep. So why does it still feel like you lose yourself after every argument?
This episode is for the high-achievers, the feelers, the overthinkers who walk away from conflict not just hurt—but ashamed. You knew better. So why did it still happen?
In this episode of Coupled With..., Rachel pulls back the curtain on what really goes on after the fight—the internal shame spiral, the over-analysis, and the story that you’re the problem. Because what’s happening isn’t a failure of insight... it’s a nervous system that’s still on high alert.
We’ll unpack:
- Why awareness doesn’t prevent a shutdown or freak-out
- How your body continues the argument long after your partner walks away
- The difference between the shame spiral and the self-attunement loop
- A three-step practice to interrupt self-blame and restore connection
Whether you’re in a stable relationship but still struggle with your reactivity, or you’re exhausted from replaying the same pattern over and over again—this is your invitation to stop using self-awareness as a weapon and start learning what your body needs to feel safe enough to change.
You're not failing the lesson. You're just meeting it in a different nervous system state.
Break the Cycle 7 day free email course: drrachelorleck.com
Transcript
When You Know Better, But Still Spiral
[:Rachel Orleck: We already talked about this. I already know this. I've journaled therapy, podcasted and reflected my way into awareness. So why the hell am I still spinning out of every argument like someone left me out in the emotional reign without an umbrella? This is the part no one talks about when they tell you to do the work.
That moment after the conflict ends when you've calmed down just enough to hate how you showed up. Your inner critic becomes a full blown motivational speaker yelling that you should know better. That you are the problem, that you are the one breaking this relationship. And the worst part, you believe it because when you've done some healing, it feels like you should be past this, but you're not, not in that moment.
lients tell me all the time, [:And that post-conflict shame loop, it's not proof that you're failing. It's just proof that your system is on high alert and blaming yourself feels safer than sitting in the vulnerability of disconnection.
better loop. Because you're [:It's something small, a sigh, a missed bid, a misunderstood tone, and you reacted. Snapped, withdrew over, explained, or the exact thing you promised yourself that you would never say again, and now hours later, the argument is technically over, but you're still spinning. The words replay in your head, like a shitty highlight reel you didn't ask to star in.
about being the partner who [:That's when the shame kicks in. You go from, Ugh, I messed up. To, why do I always do this? Maybe I'm just too much and maybe I'm the problem. This is the invisible part of the conflict loop, the part no one sees, not your partner, not your friends, sometimes not even your therapist, because you're too ashamed to admit it.
You start to believe that your ability to recognize the pattern should be enough to stop it,
promise to do better again. [:You are beating yourself up with every insight you've ever gained. Trying to use emotional awareness as a punishment tool. Like if I shame myself hard enough, maybe I'll finally change. And listen, if this is you, you're not alone. This is one of the most painful places to live, especially for people who are self-aware because insight without integration doesn't soothe.
you don't know better, it's [:We've been sold this myth that insights equal change, and if you can name the pattern, you'll stop doing it. That if you've healed enough, you'll never get reactive again. That's not how this works. That's not how you work. Your emotions aren't broken. You're just in a body that remembers, and when your body remembers something painful, an old wound, a moment of rejection, a flash of abandonment, it's going to move faster than your insight.
the hard truth no one wants [:You see yourself, you're aware of the pattern, and that awareness can feel like both a gift and a curse because it doesn't mean you're done, it just means you're awake for the hard parts now. Knowing the cycle doesn't mean you've rewired the impulse. It means you've built a map, but your nervous system has to learn
the route. And beating yourself up for not getting it right is like yelling at a smoke alarm. It's loud, pointless, and exhausting. So what if this isn't proof of failure, but evidence that your body is still working out how to feel safe in this new pattern? What if the shame isn't a sign that you're regressing,
hing important was at stake. [:These reactions are reflective. They're not insight. They're about safety
and they happen in the parts of your brain that don't give a damn how many books you've read or how many therapy sessions you've had.
When a conflict happens, your body doesn't wait for your adult regulated self to decide how to respond. It reaches into the past, pulls out whatever worked last time and the time before that.
that means shutting down to [:Even after the rupture is over, your nervous system stays activated. You're not reacting to your partner anymore. You're reacting to your own vulnerability, to the fact that you snapped or froze, or cried or walked away, and now your body is trying to make sense of it all. That loop, that's just your system doing a post-game analysis, trying to figure out how to avoid this pain the next time.
rough self blame, because if [:So no, this isn't a failure of insight, it's a survival strategy. It's your body trying to rewrite the past by controlling the future. But safety doesn't come from self punishment. Regulation doesn't come from replaying every word on loop. It comes from recognizing your nervous system isn't late to the party, it's still running the emergency drill.
e first one. The fight ends, [:You replay the moment every expression, every tone, every pause. You are the judge, jury, and executioner and spoiler. You are always guilty. In the shame spiral your worth becomes a verdict and you start believing that if you just dissect it enough, you can fix it.
ponsibility, but really it's [:But then there's another path. The self attunement loop, and this one starts not with fixing, but with noticing, it says, my body is still activated. That makes sense. That was hard. I don't have to sort it all out right now.
Instead of obsessing over what went wrong, you get curious about what's still happening inside of you. Instead of chasing repair from fear, you reconnect with yourself from compassion. Not perfectly, not instantly, but intentionally. The internal storm is really loud. The self attunement loop is quiet. It doesn't yell at you to do better.
before the story, before the [:It might feel awkward, slow, even indulgent. Your brain will argue that you're letting yourself off the hook, that if you don't analyze everything, you'll never grow. But real growth doesn't come from more punishment. It comes from presence, from giving your nervous system space to recover instead of yanking it back into the battlefield
every time you get triggered.
shame yourself into silence. [:You don't need a script. You don't need a perfect comeback or an urgent apology. Okay. What you need is a moment of internal orientation, a pattern interrupt that brings your body back online before your brain starts rewriting history in all capital letters. Here's a simple practice I offer clients in this exact moment.
It's not a fix. It's not a hack. It's a bridge. You name it, you normalize it and you nurture it. This is not about performing calm. It's about creating enough safety to step off the shame train before it barrels into your self-worth,
d it starts with three quiet [:It's not a personal failure. You're not gaslighting yourself out of it. You're grounding in reality. Then normalize the response. Of course, I'm spiraling. That was hard. This isn't weakness. This is your nervous system doing what it was wired to do. You're not the only one who collapses after conflict.
rning. This makes sense. You [:I'm still safe. We're allowed to come down from this.
You don't have to be regulated, but you do deserve support. Even if it's just from you. This three step practice doesn't solve everything, but it shows the unraveling. It reminds your system that shame isn't your only option, and it gives you a fighting chance to show up differently next time. Not because you've shamed yourself into it, but because you felt safe enough to stay present.
ral because your body hasn't [:You've done so much work already. You've read the books, listened to the podcast, unpack the childhood stories, built awareness around your triggers, and all of that matters. None of it makes you immune to being human having a moment to falling back into a familiar loop. When your nervous system thinks connection is at risk, this doesn't mean you're failing.
It means you're still rewiring.
ill learning. I'm allowed to [:If you're tired of trying to outthink your patterns, you're not alone. Whether you're in a pretty good relationship and wanted to grow, or you're single and done repeating that same old pattern, or you're navigating a hard dynamic and wondering if it's even salvageable. This is your work. Not to perfect yourself, but to build enough internal safety that your body stops treating closeness like a threat.
You don't have to do that alone. There are tools, frameworks, and relationship maps that make this easier to navigate.
where you actually are right [:
