Episode 17
It Started Before You Met Them: How Old Wounds Show Up in Love.
When your reaction feels too big for the moment—there’s probably a reason.
In this episode, we’re zooming in on a relationship pattern that so many high-functioning, emotionally intelligent people get stuck in: reacting to your partner like they’re someone from your past. Even when you know they’re not your mom, your ex, or the parent who never saw you clearly… your body responds like they are.
This isn’t just a mindset issue. It’s a nervous system loop.
And until you name the original pattern, you’ll keep following it—even with someone who’s kind, safe, and emotionally available.
In this episode, we’ll break down:
- Why your nervous system reacts to micro-triggers like abandonment, even when things seem fine
- How attachment wounds get activated without words—and what that actually feels like in your body
- What it means when you keep replaying the same dynamic, even in a totally different relationship
- The moment of choice before reactivity—and the one question that can interrupt the spiral
- A practical tool (Pause → Track → Name) that helps you move from echo to agency
You’re not too much. You’re responding exactly how your system was wired to protect you.
And now? You get to build a new map.
Ready to finally understand your patterns—and start rewiring them?
Join my free 7-day email course:
👉 https://www.drrachelorleck.com/break-the-cycle
This gentle, bite-sized series will help you start spotting the hidden dynamics that keep sabotaging connection—and show you what it actually means to heal from the inside out.
Transcript
It Started Before You Met Them: How Old Wounds Show Up in Love.
Rachel: [:Maybe you've had a version of this moment where the logical part of you knows that your partner isn't the enemy. They're not your ex, your mom, your emotionally absent caregiver, but something in you tenses. Pulls away or lashes out, and the next thing you know, you're arguing about tone instead of what actually matters.
start with them, it started [:it started before you even had words for the pain, before you had options. That's the part that no one tells you about. Your nervous system keeps score in sensation, not in story. It's not about memory, it's about pattern. And until you name the old map, you'll keep following it. Even if the destination ends up being miles from where you actually want to go, and here's the kicker.
Most of us think we're reacting to what's happening right now, but often we're reacting to the echo of something that happened many years ago. The body keeps that blueprint, the nervous system hits repeat, and then we wonder why we're panicking during a calm conversation.
ur attachment system learned [:In today's episode, we're looking at why that happens, why your kind, stable partner still triggers a stress response in you. Why love can feel threatening, even when you desperately want connection and why it's not a flaw, it's a flag, a sign pointing you back to the places that hurt so you can finally heal them.
This isn't about blame, it's just about noticing,
ent, and her reaction was to [:And I've had another client that felt the exact opposite. Her partner would go cold during disagreements and she'd immediately start apologizing even when she wasn't sure what she'd done. I just wanna fix it. She would say, I can't handle this distance. What she didn't realize at first was that urgency wasn't about the present moment.
It was about past moments when connection was conditional. This is one of the most painful patterns in relationships when two people keep triggering, each other's oldest wounds without meaning to. One person will shut down to feel safe, and the other chases to feel reassured, but neither of them is actually talking about what's happening in the now.
m loop, same lava, different [:Your body learned how to protect you. It still thinks it needs to today, but the danger isn't here anymore.
And if you don't slow down and notice the old pattern, it will keep writing your relationship script for you.
minds you of a time when you [:Let's zoom out for a second. If your reaction in love feels bigger than the situation calls for, it's not something that's broken, it's because your attachment system was built before you had words. Your nervous system learned how to stay safe when you were still tiny, before logic and before language.
So when something reminds it of danger, it doesn't ask your permission, it just responds.
nks connection equals danger.[:Even subtle danger, like a tone or a sigh or a shift, you'll go into one of those responses before your brain even catches up.
That's why a calm partner can still send you spiraling. Not because they actually did something harmful, but because they did something familiar. Maybe your partner turning away reminds your body of your mom walking out of the room. Maybe they're quiet looks a lot like rejection to a younger part of you.
Even when you quote know better, that knowing doesn't always change the script because your body stores the sensation and sensation overrides logic every time.
t think you're overreacting, [:This isn't a character flaw. It's just a reflex. A reflex that made perfect sense when you were little. Even if it's outta sync with your adult life right now.
I've had to learn this personally too. For years I thought I was just really sensitive to tone, but I was actually sensitive to dismissal and disconnection. There were these micro moments that reminded my body of being ignored or shut down. Once I realized that everything started to soften, because it's hard to change a pattern you haven't named, but once you do, even messy change becomes possible.
Now I can notice those sensations in my body before I even react to them. It doesn't mean they go away, but I'm able to make different choices.
thing small happens, a look, [:And from there it's just really easy to slip into the same dance you swore you would stop doing. The last time it's familiar, maybe you shut down, you withdraw, you go cold, or you lean in, you get louder and you try to fix. Either way, it's not really a choice, it's a pattern. And when that pattern takes over, it doesn't care how much you love your partner.
It doesn't care how many tools you learned, it only cares about getting you out of the discomfort as fast as possible.
in in clients and in myself, [:This doesn't mean you suddenly get it right or whatever that means. It doesn't mean you won't still shut down or spiral or pick the same fight. It does mean you're interrupting the loop. The one moment of awareness of naming what's old, instead of blaming what's new, that's the crack in the foundation.
ld a different kind of love. [:And yeah, at first it might feel fake or forced. Like you're pretending to be calm when you're not, and you kind of are, but that's okay because you're not really pretending you're practicing. There's a big difference. You're building new exits on a road you've driven your whole life, and even if you miss the first few, the fact that you're looking for them at all, that's the work.
That's what healing in real time actually looks like. Okay,
vorite entry points is this, [:Try asking. What is this reminding me of? That tiny shift can really change the whole tone
Because when you ask what it's reminding you of, you're widening the lens, you're moving out of blame and into curiosity, and suddenly your partner's silence isn't just them being a jerk. It's echoing that time your dad went radio silent for a week, or when your mom said, I'm fine and slammed the cabinet.
The emotional charge gets a name and the named pain is easier to hold than the unnamed panic.
Here's a quick practice you can use in the moment. I call it pause, track, name first, pause. Just enough to notice you're activated.
you tense, fidgety, holding [:Is that easy in the heat of the moment, absolutely not. Your body will scream that the threat is now and the only safety is reacting really fast. But just one breath, one label, one bit of context can slow the spiral. Even if you still argue, even if you still cry, you're not aiming for perfection.
You're practicing interrupting the pattern before it fully takes the wheel again.
t's not an apology. That's a [:And if that's too much to say yet, that's okay. Start by just noticing that alone is super powerful.
If you've been stuck in that same emotional loop, feeling like you're too much reacting, too fast, pulling away before you even mean to, I want you to hear this. You're not failing You're running a pattern that was built to protect you and the fact that you're starting to notice it, that's not a small thing.
That's a nervous system milestone. It's awareness and awareness is the doorway to change. Even if the door feels heavy.
, I need a minute instead of [:You are allowed to move slowly. You're allowed to pause instead of push, and you're allowed to practice a different script even if your voice shakes. These old wounds aren't a life sentence. They're just chapters in the book of your life, and chapters can be rewritten.
You don't have to do it all alone either. This is exactly the kind of work that I explore gently, bravely in real time. You bring the patterns and I'll help with the rewiring map and we walk through it together.
So if this [:And hey, go gently with yourself Until then, okay. Your tenderness is not a liability. It's a compass pointing back to connection.
